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Why I do shut up when I feel like doing so

There is an occurrence of this situation yesterday that happened to me wherein all the people who surrounded me were talking about a particular topic. Unfortunately, that topic is something that I can’t really say much about.

I would never escape a day without feeling awkward about something. But I guess that’s just normal. What happened to me yesterday, was kind of awkward considering that I just existed there with them animatedly talking about the said topic and I was just like smiling and nodding on cue.

That’s just the way I am. When I don’t feel like talking, I just listen. I think it would be better for me if I acted that way. At least, I didn’t have to pretend that I have to act animatedly, looking excited about what they’re talking about.

I don’t want to seem as if I am totally disrespectful either. I hope they don’t think of me that way. I think they’re aware that their topic was something that I am uncomfortable of being a part of.

Sometimes, I  chastise myself for not being a very well-spoken person. I have my shy and awkward moments. I am working on it but there are still qualities of mine that I would not like to be changed. I am stubborn, I know.

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Sigh

When days pass by as fast like what’s happening now, I can’t help but sigh and wonder about a lot of many things. I feel like everything is changing.

Everybody changes. Everything changes.  Yes. I could feel myself changing. I could feel that I beginning to think more maturely. But I still refuse to let go of my childishness. I still love singing and dancing like I am having a concert when I shower. I still piss off my brothers just because I want to pull pranks on them.

I might be changing, but I hope that will be a good change in me. I hope that will be an improvement. 

I am still searching for more. I know that I should feel contented, but I feel like I am still missing out something in life. I don’t know what it is yet.

I am still starting my journey. I will encounter a lot of people that may or may not hugely affect my life. Who knows?

I just want a change for a better me.

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Books

It’s been almost a year since I’ve read a  novel. I don’t know how I last without doing so.  I am actually a bookworm. Most of the people who knew me would say that I am an avid reader. It just saddens me a bit because I miss reading. It’s weird that now that I’ve got lots of time to read, it’s when I don’t seem to be in the mood for reading. Maybe, I am turning into such a severely lazy person that even reading a book is not worth my efforts. And to have that thought ran across my mind, it terrifies me.

I miss the feeling of holding a  copy of book  in my hands. I miss the excitement I feel when I just came home from the bookstore after buying a book that I’ve been wanting to read for ages. I long for those times when I can squeal over the scenes in the book that I’ve been reading, and how I would stay up all night trying to finish a book that I’ve been hooked on to.

I’ve been craving for those moments that I would excitedly turn page by page, being immersed deeply into the plot of the story, and how I would slow down as I realize that I am nearing to the end of a book.

I know that I could have read the books in the long list of my “Books to Read” list through e-book, but I prefer reading the “actual books”.

Also, reading has been one of my ways of coping. It was like an escape from reality. When life gets tough for me, I actually lose myself into the characters’ story to make me forget the things that I should have been worrying about.

Another fact about me when it comes to books, is that when I’m in a bookstore or library, it makes me feel calm. It’s some sort of therapy for me. You could go ask my friend about it and she would tell you that she leaves me alone to browse books. She understands that I love being surrounded with books. I just do.

Hopefully, I would get back to my habit of reading books. I should find time. I miss spending my days with a good novel.

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Daily Prompt:Runaway

Describe the last nightmare you remember having. What do you think it meant?

I was so scared. I was running for my life. I was running away from something, from someone. I can’t even stop to think, to pause, to catch my breath. I was panicking.

I was searching for my family. I wouldn’t want to lose them in this mess. I’d like to keep them with me forever. I was scared for my life, for our lives. I can’t even bear to imagine my life without them.

I found one of my brothers. We both run and struggled for our lives. We didn’t know where the others were. Cars keep chasing us. We kept searching for a hiding place, a safe place. 

We found ourselves stuck in a house. We tried to lock everything. 

There was pounding on the door. My brother and I scooted close to each other. Fearing what’s awaiting for us outside the house. Then, as the door was slammed open, the dream ended.

 

I think my dream basically meant that I was running away from a lot of my past bad memories. I was trying to run away from them, to get over my insecurities, my mistakes, and my worries. The part wherein I was searching for my family, I think that refers to my need of having someone to be “actually there for me” during those hard times. Maybe, I need someone who could listen to my problems and just hear me out. I am yearning for someone who could make me feel better about myself.

Also, the part when there was pounding on the door, I think that would be the freedom from those bad things that were chasing me all my life. I just realized that maybe if I could let that door open, I will be set free from my negativity and all those stuff.

Now, that I’ve thought about it, I think it really fits my situation. I am slowly getting out of all the negativity that were all in my past. I am just trying to live my life to the best of my capabilities. I just look forward to more.

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What should be my mindset now?

Someone told me in the past that everyone around me is my competition. This is what I’m currently thinking about. I am in a training where it is like the survival of the fittest, survival of those who are skilled/equipped enough.

Yes, there is a small part of me that agrees with that statement that everyone around me is my competition.

I don’t want to fully believe it though. On the contrary, I want to believe that it is not the others who are my competition, but rather, it is me, myself, and I who is my competition.

Everyday, I fight with the negativity of my thoughts. I fight with the disappointments that come with my mistakes. And yes, everyday, I tell myself to let it go and be wiser next time. To put it off lightly, I even laugh at my mistakes. I am not perfect after all.

I know I should be worried but I prefer to just go easy on myself because I feel better that way. I feel better because I know that I am trying my very best to show that I am capable and ready. I enjoy making new friends, learning new things, caring for my patients, and living life to the fullest.

I don’t want to turn into this selfish person who would only want success in life. I want to be someone who is successful not because of what I achieved, but rather because I am happy with what I am doing with my life. I want to make everyone happy too. It is just because that is how I am, I can’t help but want to please everyone.

I guess I am fine with my life as for now. I am in a constant journey, not knowing what tomorrow will bring. There will always be the surprises that will definitely knock me off the trail that I am travelling on. But one thing is for sure, I will go on, move on. After all, I am pretty sure I am stronger than I was before. Bring it on!

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How I spent my Valentines Day

I would have loved to write here about a story on how I spent Valentines Day with my sweetheart, having a dinner with him, and receiving chocolates and flowers from him, but lol, no. Sorry to say, I don’t have ‘that’ guy to spend this day with.

So, instead of telling about that scenario, I spent my Valentines Day having a duty at the hospital. I had so much fun during my duty. My senior nurses and fellow trainees organized a mini-party since we will now be able to celebrate the Valentines day outside. Another plus for today is that our patients gave us cakes and other sweet stuff. It’s also our last day of duty for that area of the hospital, so we made sure to make it memorable.

I also spent my day trying to lower the blood pressure of my patient who is super hypertensive. Thank God, he was okay by the time that our duty ended.

All in all, this is a great way to spend Valentines Day. I learned a lot. I’ve made good memories. That’s good, instead of me wallowing because of the fact that I am single and doesn’t have a Valentine.

 

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Be in love with your life.

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This is what every person should have as a daily reminder. Be in love with the life that you have. Appreciate the things that are currently happening to you. Every experience has built you to a better and stronger version of you.

You may have your down moments in life, but that does not suppose to make you stop. Keep going and moving on, cause everyone does, and it will suck if you would be forever stuck in the past.

Embrace your weakness because that’s means that you still have a room for improvement. You can prove to others that you can work hard and excel in what you choose to do.

Love what you have, love your family, your friends, and your career. You are way to blessed to feel that you still lack a lot of things.

Love your life like you are the luckiest person on earth. You can even sing “Titanium” to yourself, just get you into the mood. 🙂

 

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Daily Prompt: Choose Your Adventure

Write a story or post with an open ending, and let your readers invent the conclusion.

I guess this is what we’ll always be, two strangers who talk about our lives in a daily basis through the internet. But despite that, no matter how much I talk to him, we ‘ll never really know each other, at all.

I met him in a social media chatting website. It was due to my curiosity that I accepted his friend request. Since that day, we talked to each other every night, talking about random things in life, about random facts about ourselves.

He just signed in again. I sighed to myself. I don’t know why, but I am always excited by the idea of him being online, that he does not get tired of talking to me every night. I guess what I just said made me sound such a hopeless romantic fool.

 

Him: Hi! How are you?

Me: I’m fine as usual, hbu?

Him: I’m good. I’m pretty tired from work. Anyway, I was thinking about this all day. I want to ask you something.

Me: Uhmmm, okay. What’s that?

Him: I was kinda thinking. How about we meet each other personally?

 

I suddenly felt like choking as I read his words. Like seriously, he would like to see me??? WTF. What should I do? Should I see him or not? I’m such a worrier. What if he doesn’t like me?

 

*Okay, if anyone actually reads this, I’d like to see what’s on your mind. Will she go see him or not? *:)

 

 

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Patience

One of the things that I am most thankful about is that I’ve got lots lots lots of patience. Thank God I am not someone who is easy to get hotheaded when something doesn’t go my way.

As much as I am trying to be nice to all new people I meet, there will be others who will test the length of my patience. I am extremely pissed off with this person who keeps on bossing me around, when that person isn’t exactly my superior. In my head, I was like, “You don’t have any right to order me around, telling me what to do, when you can do it alone yourself, especially considering that it is your duty to begin with.”

I hate it when I have to keep everything to myself, making my patience rule over me, because sometimes I feel that I let other people feel like they can just step on me. But then again, I’d rather lengthen my patience because I don’t want to create any stress in my relationship with my co-workers.

I know that this is the right thing to do, be patient and be considerate, as long as I can tolerate it. But once I get pass my irritability threshold, I might just burst out to tears. It’s just the way I express myself when I get angry or irritated and I can’t do anything about it.

I can do this. I know whatever I do now will pay off. It’s either good or bad karma, and I do hope that bad karma goes to this person who keeps on getting on my nerves.

That’s all for now.

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Daily Prompt: Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

You need to make a major change in your life. Do you make it all at once, cold turkey style, or incrementally? 

I am so making a major change in my life right now. How do I do it? I do it with baby steps up until I get what I want.

I’ve said before that sometimes planning  my life is difficult because there are lots of twists and turns that my life has been having. One day, my life is boring, and then the next, there’ll be a surprise thrown my way. So, me changing my life depends on that.

But generally, when I feel so motivated to make a change in my life, I strive to do it. I make sure I put an effort into it. I don’t want to sit around waiting for it to happen. Yes, if it’s meant to be, it will happen. That’s what I always say to myself.

Like I mentioned, I make changes in my life with baby steps. With baby steps I mean, I am always needing the support of my family and friends, and most importantly God’s guidance. It’s like I’m taking my first foot steps and still afraid to go on my own and yet they are here to help me.

Sometimes I think that changes in life suck. I hate sudden changes, the ones that specially makes me uncomfortable, the ones I am not ready for. But, hey, that what’s make my life more exciting and enjoyable.

I might to CHANGE my thinking too. 🙂 Be more motivated and more positive.