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So much going on at the moment

Hi everyone! I figured that it has been a month since my last post here. The thing is there have been so much going on at the moment. I loved all of it actually. Despite the fact that I am so busy, I feel as though I am so happy to be finally doing a lot of stuff again. I felt that I have been in love with my profession again no matter how difficult it could be.

So, I have been undergoing a hospital training again. Lol. I know. This is already my second time and I am hoping that it will really turn out well. I had my fair share of facepalm worthy moments at my training though. Most of the time I find myself cringing over those moments but I better begin to laugh it off as to not embarrass myself that much. Actually, I’ve been living in a way in which I should just enjoy everything that I have right now. It has been my mindset lately.. to just enjoy what’s happening even if it’s actually stressing me out. In this way, I think I have been able to cope up with the actual stress of the training program.

I am learning a lot. I am thankful that I get another shot to practicing the nursing profession. There are times when anxiety creeps up on me but I do my best to shrug it off. I have to believe that I can make it. I read some novels wherein this saying frequently appears, “Fake til you Make it.” Even though it kinda makes sense, I don’t think you should be faking anything to make it. It should be Work it til you Make it or something instead. It definitely does have more sense. You’ll make it when you work for it. It’s from the hardships that accomplishments and success come from.

Here’s what my realization is at this point in my life:

I am so indecisive and that fact scares the hell out of me. I am not so sure of everything. Call it fear of the unknown. Maybe that’s what I am so scared of. But…what propels me to keep moving on? All I can think of is FAITH. I have faith in my FAITH. I believe that everything’s going to be alright soon. I’m going to find my way to happiness. Call me cheesy or whatever you want but I think that’s how I have been living my life. If I’m not going to have faith in myself and God..maybe I’d be so lost and I’d drown in anxiety and confusion.

Yes. It is hard. But that’s what life is. Life doesn’t go easy on everyone. I’ve never head or known someone who had/has an easy life. No matter what happens, you just need to keep moving. You can be afraid but don’t let it stop you from getting what you want in life. Fight for it. Don’t be a coward. Don’t let an opportunity pass. Every once in awhile, do something that makes your adrenaline rush out of your system. After all the craziness has been over, you’ll feel accomplished and proud of yourself..that you helped yourself get through it.

 

Oh and I want to thank everyone who still has stuck to following this journal-like blog of mine. You guys take care!

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Hoping

So, I’ve been long gone and now I’m back again. I know I have been kind of neglecting my blog. There are just thousand reasons why I haven’t posted much lately.

The thing is I finally decided to make my own book blog. I’ve been busy writing reviews and stuff. It’s like my stress reliever next to reading books..blogging about books. Anyway, enough of that..

Back to my life, I can say that I probably been much hopeful of all the things occurring to me right now. It seems that I can finally get back on track when it comes to my career. I’ve been accepted again for a training program. I’m just so grateful to have been given another chance. This time I will make the best out of this opportunity. I will fight for it because I want to friggin achieve my goal. I don’t want to stay lost. I feel as if this is divine intervention. Lol. Okay, I think I sound weird but whatever.

There’s always still a nagging voice in the back of my head telling me to be afraid..to worry..but I know I better not. Why should I be? I really am feeling hopeful. I want to stay like this as much as I can. I’m tired of negativity. I want to see myself as someone who’s better, stronger, braver, and more ambitious. Enough for my wasting of time. I might be still a little lost but I can feel that I am finally finding my way back to where I should really be in.

I’m just really really happy. I know I am saying this because I am just about to start on my journey again in my career. Hopefully, I will not tire of being positive for a long long time. I wish I could keep this optimism. Fate, family, friends, and books definitely helped changing my outlook in life.

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Taking a break from everything

Here’s the thing, I finally quit from my job. I don’t know what to feel. Relief maybe? First of all, I intended to do it so I can go back to my career. I think I won’t ever stop talking about my career as long as I haven’t figured it out yet. I think I generally feel relief because now I have time to have a break from everything. I’m currently enjoying my free days..and that mostly involve me with a book on hand and drowning myself in fictional worlds wherein I feel better. What can I say..maybe this is a good decision.

 

Just in time with me quitting my work, I received a message from a hospital for another work opportunity. I can’t let myself hope that much yet but I am really really hoping. I can’t help myself from doing so. It’s like some sign that maybe I made the right decision and this is just a start for a new chapter in my life. Hopefully, this will go well. I am wishing so hard that I may be able to find the direction to which my life will be on. I feel helpless and more likely anxious about not figuring things out about my life. I don’t want to be a failure. I want to make be someone..someone who has achieved a lot of things for herself and her loved ones. I don’t just want to be plain. I don’t want to be stuck in a place where there is no improvement. I am afraid to be left behind.

 

Maybe lots of people get where I am coming from. It’s not easy to search and find that place where you will be happy. I think it’s a lifelong process..discovering yourself and your purpose. As dramatic as I am getting right now, well I’m happy that I have some things and people who keep me from going insane.

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Things crossed off from my bucket list

Okay, so I’m pretty sure that many of us have made their own bucket lists. As for mine, it doesn’t contain many but I’m proud that most of the stuff I put there..I was able to accomplish already. Here are the items in my bucket list:

  1. Save more money.
  2. Get a new hairstyle.
  3. Make a book blog and update it regularly.
  4. Learn new things.
  5. Try to go back to my nursing career.
  6. Live and eat healthier.
  7. Treat family for dinner/lunch/whatever.
  8. Pass exams (IELTS)
  9. Socialize more
  10. Go to freaking gym
  11. Attend a book signing event
  12. Visit places I’ve never been to
  13. Read more books and buy a new bookshelf
  14. Undergo further training for my career
  15. Go to a concert
  16. Watch fireworks show
  17. Go to Manila International Book Fair and Bookstore Warehouse Sale
  18. Have an online business.
  19. Get a signed book.
  20. Buy an e-book reader.
  21. Go outside more often.
  22. Be brave. Take chances.
  23. Fight for my decisions.

I know!! Most of the items in my bucket list are pretty lame. I think I should get more creative eh? Perhaps, go ziplining or diving? I would have to save up for that then. Oh and I gotta work on my socializing, saving money, and getting healthy. I’m pretty proud of myself though for accomplishing some of the things in the list.

 

I’m just sharing. Anybody else who got their own bucket list for 2014? 🙂

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Nurse Problems: Freaking Out? Yes I am

What? January had passed already? Yes. Yes. Oh gosh. I can’t believe how fast time went. It just went by like that. Sometimes I worry if I was able to do as much as I can in a certain time. It feels like one month was too long and yet it’s still little time to get what I was aiming for.

So, why am I freaking out? I feel like I have been left out of nursing to a great extent. I mean it’s been already 9 months since I was able to perform the responsibilities and duties of a nurse. It’s as if I am worrying that all knowledge I have might leave my memories. I don’t really want to leave the profession that I have come to love. I feel good about knowing that I am a nurse but it’s really tough. In nursing it’s like, you can’t get what you want that fast. You have to strive hard to become a successful nurse. I know it’s like that in every profession. I have to admit that I am frustrated by the fact that I am not practicing my profession. It’s my fault really. I would have had the chance to start working as a staff nurse but I chickened out.

We all know the saying “You don’t know what you have until you lose it”. That is exactly what I realized. Again, regretting things will not be very useful to me. Instead, I think I will need to live with the PRESENT.

Back to the PRESENT: I have a job that pays off good better compared to practicing nursing in my country. I will not deny it but I need to survive. I chose my writing job over nursing. After 9 months of leaving my real profession, here I am wondering about things. I think I am missing out on a big part of my life. I realized that I can help save people’s lives and make my life more worth it.

Because of that realization, I am more determined than ever. I will be back to the profession that I have come to love. I feel like it’s my calling. I decided to save money for a training. I hope I can pursue this. I know it will not be easy but I will persevere. I promise that in two months I will be back to practicing nursing. I will improve myself and live the life that I ought to be having. I refuse to be locked up in my room writing in solitude (lol, jk). I love writing but nursing is my calling. I need a path and a clear goal. I hope I can do this.

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I’ve been nominated!!! Yay!!!

I know. I know. The title of my two current posts have exclamation points in their title. I have valid reasons though.

What are the reasons?

Well, I have been nominated for the Liebster award and the Sisterhood of the Bloggers award. Okay, can I just have a moment here and do my “written speech”?

It’s really fulfilling that there are individuals who appreciate what I put in this blog. As many of you know, I am here just to keep memories of my life journeys. being nominated for blog awards such as these two is super flattering. I have been nominated for these awards last week. I know. I suck in keeping this blog updated. I have been swamped with work and business.

To be honest, I don’t know if these awards have a deadline. Can someone help me out on this? I want to pass on the nominations but I am not sure if I can still do it. I mean it’s been almost a week since I got the nominations. Can I still nominate others? Can I still accept it? And when you say nomination..do I actually get an award? Lol. Forgive me for this foolish question. I don’t really know how this works. I have been blogging for more than a year..and I don’t know what to do with these. I have been nominated before but it took me so long before I found out about it.

Anyway, I want to thank Ms. Anne of Tales Along the Way and fisefton of Fi’s Mutterings for the nominations. I really appreciate that you two have picked my blog to be worthy of those nominations. I feel so blessed and lucky! 🙂

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Where do I go from here?

I’m probably one of those people that you will meet that is so undecided with life. I change my mind many times. Sometimes, I worry that it will get me nowhere.

Another year is definitely another time to start over and refocus. It’s usually a time when people set new year’s resolution, a time to change oneself. I ask myself, where do I go from here? Truth is, I really don’t know. I feel like a child lost in the middle of nowhere.

Yes, it gets scary. I just read a blog post about wanting something more than being afraid of it. What I read moved me as an individual who is undecided in a lot of things. That’s my main problem, my fears eat me out. I always think that I cannot do it even if I haven’t tried it yet.

This year, I hope to change that fact. In 2014 I will be braver than I have ever been.

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2013 Wrap up

It’s another year that has finished. Like they say, “Time flies by”. We are again in the point when we reminisce and reflect about the year that has passed.

To be honest, I must say that this year is a roller coaster ride though most of it was on plateau. It’s not like the negative kind of plateau but rather boring. I stayed in my comfort zone and did not do anything to be out of it. The plateau would refer to me choosing the easier way in which I don’t have to make an effort. Actually, I don’t regret anything that I have decided. In fact, I am really happy to have made those decisions. I’ve learned my lessons.

2013 is not an easy year though it’s mostly spent in plateau. In the beginning of the year, I get to practice my career as a nurse. It was such a happy moment for me. I got to learn and do what I was taught in nursing school. I realized that it’s indeed a noble profession to be in. Compassion and dedication are needed to pursue it. I’ve come across different people.. and faced with unexpected experiences. One of which was seeing a patient deteriorating and dying before my eyes. I felt like I had to detach from that moment..to prevent from crying because I need to be strong. It was a bit similar to the movies. In the mid-April, I finished my nursing training. I was successful and yet I felt like I shouldn’t take the opportunity of working in the hospital setting.

Since then, my father and I had some sort of disagreement with regards to my career, a definite down in my roller coaster ride. He said that I should have pursued it. I said I would not be happy working there. In the end, I stood by my decision. I followed my heart. It was a rough decision between practicality and happiness. Until now, I don’t know what to make out of it. Probably, I just chickened out because I was scared of failure. Or probably, there is something behind the turn of events that somehow makes it right.

By June, my grandmother passed away. She was really an angel in my life. She has always stood by my side, my defender in many ways. Like I said before, I’m just happy that my she and my grandfather are now together in heaven, a bit relieved that she didn’t need to feel pain anymore.

In September, I got freelance writing jobs. That’s when I thought that maybe I am meant to be a writer. I’m happy to have discovered this side of me. I have always loved writing because of my love for reading. Anyway, even if I am enjoying the perks of the job, I still miss dealing with patients and helping them. I miss nursing..but I guess it’s really true that you don’t know what you’re missing until it’s gone. I let the opportunity pass and here I am feeling slightly sorry about it but not so sorry about it (lol seriously I have a bad case of ambivalence).

Right now, what can I say..Yes I am thankful for everything that has happened. I’m still figuring this out but eventually things will unfold for me. I’ve pointed out before that I have always believed that all things happen for a reason.

Like I said, my year has been on a plateau but still a roller coaster ride. I remembered a character in John Green’s novel, “The Fault in Our Stars”. It’s Augustus Waters and he said there that he is on a roller coaster that only goes up. I want my life to be like that. A roller coaster that only goes up. A life that is so colorful because I learned to take calculated risks and be brave. That’s what I am going to do in 2014. Take risks, believe in what I can do.. and where fate takes me.

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Pending Post: What the heck am I supposed to do?

I know the title doesn’t look or sound good but that sums up everything about my post for today. Many days have passed again. So, I’ve been writing my thoughts on my phone just for the sake that I don’t forget what I’ve been intending to write for my blog. There is this post that I made when I pondered on what is happening on my life right now. It goes like this:

What the heck am I supposed to do?
Is there any guide on how to live your 20 somethings? That’s because I feel like I have not been living my life the way it should be lived. Sure there are bunch of articles telling us on what and how to live our lives in 20 somethings but tbh it feels like these are not enough. No matter what we read, there will no be no guide on how we live our lives. Well, if there are, we will not follow them anyway. We are the ones who choose how we live our lives (unless you let yourself to be dictated what to do in life).

They say have fun and you only live once so live your life to the fullest. Its unfair when every part of you feels scared on what the next step of your life should be. For me it feels like a series of being torn apart between life choices. The thing is as life goes on, you want to live a life that will make you the happiest..but how do we know what the heck makes us happy..what the heck are we supposed to do? I realized that it is truly hard when every hour of the day you long for that feeling of fulfillment. How do we ever know what will make us happy. Life is so complicated especially when we incorporate our over-thinking and over-worrying minds on it.

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A New Year for Adventures and Lessons

My 22nd birthday just passed. I came to realize many things about my life. There are not much but still these are pretty important for me. A year older than I was, I am still the same old me. I think I’ve been living on the “SAFE” side of my life for too long. Having just read a blog post about doing something new, I think I would want to do something that will make me feel proud of myself, of my decisions.

So, for this year, I guess I have to push myself to be braver. By that, I mean to let go of all the things that are holding me back. I have always been a worrier. That did nothing to make my life better. It held me back from the opportunities that I should I have taken. I have no regrets though. What makes feel good about myself right now is that I was able to stand by what I believe will make me happy in the long run. I can’t even blame myself or any other people for what is happening to my life. I guess I have to accept the reality. The good thing about acknowledging reality is that it helped me determine where I stand. Somehow, this provides comfort because I am still living a pretty much blessed life.

A new year for adventures and lessons:

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”- Mark Twain

I just love how this quote by Mark Twain reminded me on how life should be lived.  One part of me tells me to be safe and cautious in everything. However, that will be so boring for me. So, as a change, I will strive to be braver to try out new things and never hold back as long as I am doing the right thing. I don’t want to grow old and feel unfulfilled after all.

Day by day, I will live my life to the fullest as much as I can. I will not allow myself to be stagnant. There’s no way it will happen. I know I am destined for something that will make me happy and I deserve it.