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2013 Wrap up

It’s another year that has finished. Like they say, “Time flies by”. We are again in the point when we reminisce and reflect about the year that has passed.

To be honest, I must say that this year is a roller coaster ride though most of it was on plateau. It’s not like the negative kind of plateau but rather boring. I stayed in my comfort zone and did not do anything to be out of it. The plateau would refer to me choosing the easier way in which I don’t have to make an effort.¬†Actually, I don’t regret anything that I have decided.¬†In fact, I am really happy to have made those decisions. I’ve learned my lessons.

2013 is not an easy year though it’s mostly spent in plateau. In the beginning of the year, I get to practice my career as a nurse. It was such a happy moment for me. I got to learn and do what I was taught in nursing school. I realized that it’s indeed a noble profession to be in. Compassion and dedication are needed to pursue it. I’ve come across different people.. and faced with unexpected experiences. One of which was seeing a patient deteriorating and dying before my eyes. I felt like I had to detach from that moment..to prevent from crying because I need to be strong. It was a bit similar to the movies. In the mid-April, I finished my nursing training. I was successful and yet I felt like I shouldn’t take the opportunity of working in the hospital setting.

Since then, my father and I had some sort of disagreement with regards to my career, a definite down in my roller coaster ride. He said that I should have pursued it. I said I would not be happy working there. In the end, I stood by my decision. I followed my heart. It was a rough decision between practicality and happiness. Until now, I don’t know what to make out of it. Probably, I just chickened out because I was scared of failure. Or probably, there is something behind the turn of events that somehow makes it right.

By June, my grandmother passed away. She was really an angel in my life. She has always stood by my side, my defender in many ways. Like I said before, I’m just happy that my she and my grandfather are now together in heaven, a bit relieved that she didn’t need to feel pain anymore.

In September, I got freelance writing jobs. That’s when I thought that maybe I am meant to be a writer. I’m happy to have discovered this side of me. I have always loved writing because of my love for reading. Anyway, even if I am enjoying the perks of the job, I still miss dealing with patients and helping them. I miss nursing..but I guess it’s really true that you don’t know what you’re missing until it’s gone. I let the opportunity pass and here I am feeling slightly sorry about it but not so sorry about it (lol seriously I have a bad case of ambivalence).

Right now, what can I say..Yes I am thankful for everything that has happened. I’m still figuring this out but eventually things will unfold for me. I’ve pointed out before that I have always believed that all things happen for a reason.

Like I said, my year has been on a plateau but still a roller coaster ride. I remembered a character in John Green’s novel, “The Fault in Our Stars”. It’s Augustus Waters and he said there that he is on a roller coaster that only goes up. I want my life to be like that. A roller coaster that only goes up. A life that is so colorful because I learned to take calculated risks and be brave. That’s what I am going to do in 2014. Take risks, believe in what I can do.. and where fate takes me.

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Decide to try

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I try not to be afraid and not to think too much. I hope that I can do this. No matter how I say this to myself again and again, I still keep on doing this. I know that I should not pressure myself and that I should lessen my expectations. This way, I will not get hurt.

I’ve always been a kind of girl who has got a lot of dreams for herself. Dreaming of dreams is one of my favorite things to do in this world. I write about my dreams, about how I can achieve them, how happy I would feel once I become successful, and how much my family would be proud of me.

As much as I love to dream, I am often held back by my fears. I’d say that those are my worst enemy. I mean, I let it consume me in some times and forget how strong I could be if I wanted to.

Here I am again, hoping and dropping the fears that I have in mind. I am now trusting myself. I know I can do a lot if I start to decide to try.

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If you only knew

If you only knew, I wanted to talk to you. I saw you that day and so did you. I was curious to see how your life went on. I want to have a conversation with you about everything, reminisce about the things that we once did. Maybe, I just miss how things were back before.

Instead, what I did was pretend. I pretended I did not saw you. I acted like I was not interested in you anymore. Because I want to prove something to myself. I don’t want to linger anymore in the past. I want to move on. I kept on thinking: “If I really want to put all the past behind me, I should just go and talk to you.” But, again, I did not. I was afraid it was going to be awkward and that my feelings are going to return and I was afraid of that. Over the days that passed, I’ve learned to forget about you and stop making my thoughts linger about you.

So, to make it easier for me, I decided not to come near you and just look at you from a distance. I acted like I don’t care when all in truth, it was the very opposite.

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Eye Opener. Heart breaker. Whatever.

I’ve been hovering over someone’s (my friend’s) account, yeah I know, I sound like a stalker. I may have read some things there that are not really “heart-friendly” for me. It sucks really because I feel bad for expecting for things that I totally know won’t happen between us. Expecting and expecting, the typical, ‘expectations hurt you the most’ thingy. I’ve browsed and browsed and saw what I needed to see to stop my foolishness. That hurt, felt like a slap straight from the computer. Well, that’s life, maybe some things are not meant to be. Like me and him.