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So much going on at the moment

Hi everyone! I figured that it has been a month since my last post here. The thing is there have been so much going on at the moment. I loved all of it actually. Despite the fact that I am so busy, I feel as though I am so happy to be finally doing a lot of stuff again. I felt that I have been in love with my profession again no matter how difficult it could be.

So, I have been undergoing a hospital training again. Lol. I know. This is already my second time and I am hoping that it will really turn out well. I had my fair share of facepalm worthy moments at my training though. Most of the time I find myself cringing over those moments but I better begin to laugh it off as to not embarrass myself that much. Actually, I’ve been living in a way in which I should just enjoy everything that I have right now. It has been my mindset lately.. to just enjoy what’s happening even if it’s actually stressing me out. In this way, I think I have been able to cope up with the actual stress of the training program.

I am learning a lot. I am thankful that I get another shot to practicing the nursing profession. There are times when anxiety creeps up on me but I do my best to shrug it off. I have to believe that I can make it. I read some novels wherein this saying frequently appears, “Fake til you Make it.” Even though it kinda makes sense, I don’t think you should be faking anything to make it. It should be Work it til you Make it or something instead. It definitely does have more sense. You’ll make it when you work for it. It’s from the hardships that accomplishments and success come from.

Here’s what my realization is at this point in my life:

I am so indecisive and that fact scares the hell out of me. I am not so sure of everything. Call it fear of the unknown. Maybe that’s what I am so scared of. But…what propels me to keep moving on? All I can think of is FAITH. I have faith in my FAITH. I believe that everything’s going to be alright soon. I’m going to find my way to happiness. Call me cheesy or whatever you want but I think that’s how I have been living my life. If I’m not going to have faith in myself and God..maybe I’d be so lost and I’d drown in anxiety and confusion.

Yes. It is hard. But that’s what life is. Life doesn’t go easy on everyone. I’ve never head or known someone who had/has an easy life. No matter what happens, you just need to keep moving. You can be afraid but don’t let it stop you from getting what you want in life. Fight for it. Don’t be a coward. Don’t let an opportunity pass. Every once in awhile, do something that makes your adrenaline rush out of your system. After all the craziness has been over, you’ll feel accomplished and proud of yourself..that you helped yourself get through it.

 

Oh and I want to thank everyone who still has stuck to following this journal-like blog of mine. You guys take care!

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What I didn’t regret

You know those moments you think of all the things you did in the past and play it over and over inside your head?

That’s actually a very common scenario to me every night when I get to my bed and reflect on my life. I realized that there’s nothing much that I regret in my life. After all, it’s what I wanted. It was my decision to do that. So, it’s pretty useless for me to regret on stuff. Instead of focusing on regrets, I think I should focus on things I didn’t regret.

I remembered that moment I turned my back on nursing. It was one of the hardest decisions I’ve made in my life. I thought that I was such a coward from not taking that opportunity but I guess it’s good that I did it. Why? Because I realized I’m not yet ready. I know that the world won’t wait for me to get ready but in a job like nurses do..It’s really scary because the patients’ lives are in my hands and I can’t afford to make big mistakes. Yes I was scared and I know that it’s normal. I didn’t choose to face my fear though instead I ran away. Up to this day, I am still thankful though, that I did that. It opened up other opportunities and experiences for me.

Since quitting temporarily from my profession, I decided to pursue my love for writing. I enjoyed my job as a freelance article writer. It worked on me. I was able to do writing for living for 2 years already. I think it brought me lots of lessons. I was actually proud of myself because I was got one of my dream jobs.

For now, I think I am in the crossroads of my life. I don’t know if I should pursue my career but I miss working in the hospital and it’s so hard to get a working experience here in my country. Is it normal that I don’t know what I want to do with my life? I feel like going crazy sometimes. I need some time to find myself (lol).

My point here is that I do not think of my past mistakes as  regrets but rather lessons. I always believe that there are reasons behind the things that happen to our lives. Though the reasons may not still be clear for me, I believe that by that I will be guided on what I should do with my life.

Hopefully, I’ll figure out what I’ll do with my life. It’s totally confusing. ūüėõ

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Nurse Problems: Freaking Out? Yes I am

What? January had passed already? Yes. Yes. Oh gosh. I can’t believe how fast time went. It just went by like that. Sometimes I worry if I was able to do as much as I can in a certain time. It feels like one month was too long and yet it’s still little time to get what I was aiming for.

So, why am I freaking out? I feel like I have been left out of nursing to a great extent. I mean it’s been already 9 months since I was able to perform the responsibilities and duties of a nurse. It’s as if I am worrying that all knowledge I have might leave my memories. I don’t really want to leave the profession that I have come to love. I feel good about knowing that I am a nurse but it’s really tough. In nursing it’s like, you can’t get what you want that fast. You have to strive hard to become a successful nurse. I know it’s like that in every profession. I have to admit that I am frustrated by the fact that I am not practicing my profession. It’s my fault really. I would have had the chance to start working as a staff nurse but I chickened out.

We all know the saying “You don’t know what you have until you lose it”. That is exactly what I realized. Again, regretting things will not be very useful to me. Instead, I think I will need to live with the PRESENT.

Back to the PRESENT: I have a job that pays off good better compared to practicing nursing in my country. I will not deny it but I need to survive. I chose my writing job over nursing. After 9 months of leaving my real profession, here I am wondering about things. I think I am missing out on a big part of my life. I realized that I can help save people’s lives and make my life more worth it.

Because of that realization, I am more determined than ever. I will be back to the profession that I have come to love. I feel like it’s my calling. I decided to save money for a training. I hope I can pursue this. I know it will not be easy but I will persevere. I promise that in two months I will be back to practicing nursing. I will improve myself and live the life that I ought to be having. I refuse to be locked up in my room writing in solitude (lol, jk). I love writing but nursing is my calling. I need a path and a clear goal. I hope I can do this.

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2013 Wrap up

It’s another year that has finished. Like they say, “Time flies by”. We are again in the point when we reminisce and reflect about the year that has passed.

To be honest, I must say that this year is a roller coaster ride though most of it was on plateau. It’s not like the negative kind of plateau but rather boring. I stayed in my comfort zone and did not do anything to be out of it. The plateau would refer to me choosing the easier way in which I don’t have to make an effort.¬†Actually, I don’t regret anything that I have decided.¬†In fact, I am really happy to have made those decisions. I’ve learned my lessons.

2013 is not an easy year though it’s mostly spent in plateau. In the beginning of the year, I get to practice my career as a nurse. It was such a happy moment for me. I got to learn and do what I was taught in nursing school. I realized that it’s indeed a noble profession to be in. Compassion and dedication are needed to pursue it. I’ve come across different people.. and faced with unexpected experiences. One of which was seeing a patient deteriorating and dying before my eyes. I felt like I had to detach from that moment..to prevent from crying because I need to be strong. It was a bit similar to the movies. In the mid-April, I finished my nursing training. I was successful and yet I felt like I shouldn’t take the opportunity of working in the hospital setting.

Since then, my father and I had some sort of disagreement with regards to my career, a definite down in my roller coaster ride. He said that I should have pursued it. I said I would not be happy working there. In the end, I stood by my decision. I followed my heart. It was a rough decision between practicality and happiness. Until now, I don’t know what to make out of it. Probably, I just chickened out because I was scared of failure. Or probably, there is something behind the turn of events that somehow makes it right.

By June, my grandmother passed away. She was really an angel in my life. She has always stood by my side, my defender in many ways. Like I said before, I’m just happy that my she and my grandfather are now together in heaven, a bit relieved that she didn’t need to feel pain anymore.

In September, I got freelance writing jobs. That’s when I thought that maybe I am meant to be a writer. I’m happy to have discovered this side of me. I have always loved writing because of my love for reading. Anyway, even if I am enjoying the perks of the job, I still miss dealing with patients and helping them. I miss nursing..but I guess it’s really true that you don’t know what you’re missing until it’s gone. I let the opportunity pass and here I am feeling slightly sorry about it but not so sorry about it (lol seriously I have a bad case of ambivalence).

Right now, what can I say..Yes I am thankful for everything that has happened. I’m still figuring this out but eventually things will unfold for me. I’ve pointed out before that I have always believed that all things happen for a reason.

Like I said, my year has been on a plateau but still a roller coaster ride. I remembered a character in John Green’s novel, “The Fault in Our Stars”. It’s Augustus Waters and he said there that he is on a roller coaster that only goes up. I want my life to be like that. A roller coaster that only goes up. A life that is so colorful because I learned to take calculated risks and be brave. That’s what I am going to do in 2014. Take risks, believe in what I can do.. and where fate takes me.

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Pending Post: What the heck am I supposed to do?

I know the title doesn’t look or sound good but that sums up everything about my post for today. Many days have passed again. So, I’ve been writing my thoughts on my phone just for the sake that I don’t forget what I’ve been intending to write for my blog. There is this post that I made when I pondered on what is happening on my life right now. It goes like this:

What the heck am I supposed to do?
Is there any guide on how to live your 20 somethings? That’s because I feel like I have not been living my life the way it should be lived. Sure there are bunch of articles telling us on what and how to live our lives in 20 somethings but tbh it feels like these are not enough. No matter what we read, there will no be no guide on how we live our lives. Well, if there are, we will not follow them anyway. We are the ones who choose how we live our lives (unless you let yourself to be dictated what to do in life).

They say have fun and you only live once so live your life to the fullest. Its unfair when every part of you feels scared on what the next step of your life should be. For me it feels like a series of being torn apart between life choices. The thing is as life goes on, you want to live a life that will make you the happiest..but how do we know what the heck makes us happy..what the heck are we supposed to do? I realized that it is truly hard when every hour of the day you long for that feeling of fulfillment. How do we ever know what will make us happy. Life is so complicated especially when we incorporate our over-thinking and over-worrying minds on it.

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Perks of being a Nurse

Thousands of nurses are unemployed in our country nowadays. Some preferred to get other jobs and some decided to stick to their chosen profession. Maybe most of my fellow nurses out there thought: “Why did I even take up nursing?” My answer to that:” We have different reasons. But one thing is for sure, you cannot go back anymore. Deal with it!”

So, there are days that made me real thankful that I became a nurse. Somedays, I kind of regret it. But for the most part, I learned to love my profession. So, I thought of What are the Perks of being a Nurse? Here’s some of what I came up with:

10. We are one of the few people who can successfully transcribe and understand the doctors’ writing.

9.¬†When there are days that we got sick but we don’t want to spend much on seeing a doctor, we know how we can manage ourselves in a way.

-For example, we have an idea what medicine we could take, but of course, we cannot prescribe. We can only buy the over-the-counter medicines.

8. Everyone who knows you are a nurse seeks for advice about their health.

-Though it may not be that much, some of nurses’ relatives/family members ask them about what they should do about the symptoms that they have been experiencing, or ask nurses what to do with it.

7. People feel safe when they are with nurses.

-I dunno much about his. But many of my friends say that they feel safe around us, or so they say. Yeah, pretty much self-explanatory.

6. Meeting people

-It’s the way on how we feel that we instantly become a small part of the people’s lives. Like the ones who become our patients, their family or relatives.

5.¬†We get to practice our patience that it’ll take a lot for us to get irritated or angry.

Most of us can attest to this one. We can last long hours of not being able to sit down because we are too busy. We know how to handle stressful situations calmly even inside our minds, some of us are freaking out.

4. Nurses know first-aid, CPR, life-saving measures.

Aside from the doctors, nurses have the capacity of performing such life-saving measures which could be crucial if any situation like this arises.

3. Nurses are known to be clean and organized people.

2. We get to watch invasive surgeries and all those kind of stuff.

We live the Real-Life Greys Anatomy series.

1.¬†Nurses get to touch people’s lives.

It’s such a great thing to feel fulfilled with our chosen profession. We get to witness the birth of a baby up to the last breath of a dying man. We are there. No matter how small the part that we contributed, it is still good to know that we indeed got a purpose to serve in our lives.

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End of another chapter

It’s been a good four month-training at the hospital. It definitely taught me a lot of things I would have never learned from school. I’ve got the first taste of what it is like to become a professional nurse, someone who practices her chosen field.

First of all, I am very aware that I wouldn’t have made it if it weren’t for some people who helped me. I know that this looks like a speech but it’s not. It’s like, I don’t know, maybe fate has intervened to make me start my nursing career. I would have never thought that I would become one of the lucky ones who got a chance to practice nursing so suddenly after passing the board exam.

I somehow felt proud of myself. In my four months training, I encountered different types of patients, with different diagnosis, with different personalities, with different demands, with different significant others, etc. It felt good to become a part of someone’s life in such a short span of time. I know that I may have not done that much but when I see my patients smile or relieved from their pain, I feel good. I feel as if I’ve made the right decision of pursuing this career. The thanks that I have received, that made me feel fulfilled.

On the other hand, I felt worried about my general performance. I admit that skills-wise, I am not the one who definitely excels at it. I tend to make a lot of mistakes and I chastise myself for every single one of them. With every mistake I commit, I felt as though I was being judged, worse, I was being laughed at and judged by everyone who saw my mistake. I know that it is a pretty harsh thing to do to myself, but I cannot help it. I feel like I way more inferior to others. It’s not so easy to cope with those kinds of feelings. I wish I would get over it soon and gain confidence.

However, I think, the best part that happened in my training was meeting new friends to whom I created a bond with. It’s always good to make new¬†acquaintances. I shared lots of memories with them and felt like I was really welcomed by the group.

All in all, my final thought: I am hoping that there’ll be a positive output from my four-months training. I hope that I can be hired in one of the company hospitals that I am eyeing. I want to stay positive and hopefully throw my worries away.

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How do I stand out?

This is a thing that I really need to work on, how I do stand out among 27 other people?

I’m not the overly¬†genius¬†type of person who will be able to answer questions in a matter of seconds. I definitely make mistakes sometimes. I still hate Math like I did when I was still studying. How could I stand out if I’m not that type?

I’m not much of a competitive person too. I don’t want to throw others off. I prefer to work at my own pace. I want to learn by asking too much. There are times that I think ahead and anticipate things, but I don’t want to see others as “competitors”. I still want to believe that my competition in this situation is my thoughts and mindset.

In terms of skills, I am still learning. I’m still new at this kind of thing. I am still afraid of trying out things without being guided. I make errors and I hope it’s alright to make them and learn from them.

Do I need to be the kind of person who befriends everyone? Maybe I should. I should also start getting out of my introverted self mode. I should make lots of conversations with others. They should feel at ease with me and make them like me. Is that what I want?

I don’t know what to do anymore. I need to stand out among these other 27 people. I hope I can find a way, but I can’t. As I said, I am not the competitive type of person, but I do make sure I put lots of effort to what I do.

Will effort be enough? I hope so. I pray that somehow, there will be a miracle that I would be noticed because of what I felt is right to do. I did my best in every work I did. I put my heart in being able to help my patients as much as I can.

I know that this looks like an overthinking post. But, I just really need to vent it out before I get crazy. I am leaving anything to faith now. If it’s meant to be, I will pass this training and get hired. I am hoping for the best to come. *crosses fingers and chants positive mantras*

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What should be my mindset now?

Someone told me in the past that everyone around me is my competition. This is what I’m currently thinking about. I am in a training where it is like the survival of the fittest, survival of those who are skilled/equipped enough.

Yes, there is a small part of me that agrees with that statement that everyone around me is my competition.

I don’t want to fully believe it though. On the contrary, I want to believe that it is not the others who are my competition, but rather, it is me, myself, and I who is my competition.

Everyday, I fight with the negativity of my thoughts. I fight with the disappointments that come with my mistakes. And yes, everyday, I tell myself to let it go and be wiser next time. To put it off lightly, I even laugh at my mistakes. I am not perfect after all.

I know I should be worried but I prefer to just go easy on myself because I feel better that way. I feel better because I know that I am trying my very best to show that I am capable and ready. I enjoy making new friends, learning new things, caring for my patients, and living life to the fullest.

I don’t want to turn into this selfish person who would only want success in life. I want to be someone who is successful not because of what I achieved, but rather because I am happy with what I am doing with my life. I want to make everyone happy too. It is just because that is how I am, I can’t help but want to please everyone.

I guess I am fine with my life as for now. I am in a constant journey, not knowing what tomorrow will bring. There will always be the surprises that will definitely knock me off the trail that I am travelling on. But one thing is for sure, I will go on, move on. After all, I am pretty sure I am stronger than I was before. Bring it on!

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The Beginning

I’m back again! During my previous posts I’ve been mentioning that I am undergoing a training at the hospital for employment. I have been having my duties for one week now and so far, I’m enjoying every moment of it.

I would declare this period in my life as the beginning of my career as a registered nurse. I realized that in my profession, there should be constant improvement of myself. It’ s like you cannot just stop at one point. I know it’s a little bit tiring but I have no choice, I’m already here. I cannot turn back anymore.

What makes me love what I do now is that I am now getting the feeling of how it is to be a staff nurse in a hospital.

My favorite part of my hospital duties is when my patients thank me for what I do for them. That’s when I know that I am being efficient and that I am able to attend to their needs. I know that I am not that great yet in terms of skills, but I can be great in interacting with them. It just feels good that they appreciate me, that they thank me and smile at me as they go for discharge.

Maybe this is why I’ve been in nursing. I am beginning to appreciate it more and love it more.

Whatever will be the result of this training, I will fully accept and understand it. All I am keeping in my mind now is that if it is meant to be, it will be. I’ll just go with the flow.