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So much going on at the moment

Hi everyone! I figured that it has been a month since my last post here. The thing is there have been so much going on at the moment. I loved all of it actually. Despite the fact that I am so busy, I feel as though I am so happy to be finally doing a lot of stuff again. I felt that I have been in love with my profession again no matter how difficult it could be.

So, I have been undergoing a hospital training again. Lol. I know. This is already my second time and I am hoping that it will really turn out well. I had my fair share of facepalm worthy moments at my training though. Most of the time I find myself cringing over those moments but I better begin to laugh it off as to not embarrass myself that much. Actually, I’ve been living in a way in which I should just enjoy everything that I have right now. It has been my mindset lately.. to just enjoy what’s happening even if it’s actually stressing me out. In this way, I think I have been able to cope up with the actual stress of the training program.

I am learning a lot. I am thankful that I get another shot to practicing the nursing profession. There are times when anxiety creeps up on me but I do my best to shrug it off. I have to believe that I can make it. I read some novels wherein this saying frequently appears, “Fake til you Make it.” Even though it kinda makes sense, I don’t think you should be faking anything to make it. It should be Work it til you Make it or something instead. It definitely does have more sense. You’ll make it when you work for it. It’s from the hardships that accomplishments and success come from.

Here’s what my realization is at this point in my life:

I am so indecisive and that fact scares the hell out of me. I am not so sure of everything. Call it fear of the unknown. Maybe that’s what I am so scared of. But…what propels me to keep moving on? All I can think of is FAITH. I have faith in my FAITH. I believe that everything’s going to be alright soon. I’m going to find my way to happiness. Call me cheesy or whatever you want but I think that’s how I have been living my life. If I’m not going to have faith in myself and God..maybe I’d be so lost and I’d drown in anxiety and confusion.

Yes. It is hard. But that’s what life is. Life doesn’t go easy on everyone. I’ve never head or known someone who had/has an easy life. No matter what happens, you just need to keep moving. You can be afraid but don’t let it stop you from getting what you want in life. Fight for it. Don’t be a coward. Don’t let an opportunity pass. Every once in awhile, do something that makes your adrenaline rush out of your system. After all the craziness has been over, you’ll feel accomplished and proud of yourself..that you helped yourself get through it.

 

Oh and I want to thank everyone who still has stuck to following this journal-like blog of mine. You guys take care!

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2013 Wrap up

It’s another year that has finished. Like they say, “Time flies by”. We are again in the point when we reminisce and reflect about the year that has passed.

To be honest, I must say that this year is a roller coaster ride though most of it was on plateau. It’s not like the negative kind of plateau but rather boring. I stayed in my comfort zone and did not do anything to be out of it. The plateau would refer to me choosing the easier way in which I don’t have to make an effort. Actually, I don’t regret anything that I have decided. In fact, I am really happy to have made those decisions. I’ve learned my lessons.

2013 is not an easy year though it’s mostly spent in plateau. In the beginning of the year, I get to practice my career as a nurse. It was such a happy moment for me. I got to learn and do what I was taught in nursing school. I realized that it’s indeed a noble profession to be in. Compassion and dedication are needed to pursue it. I’ve come across different people.. and faced with unexpected experiences. One of which was seeing a patient deteriorating and dying before my eyes. I felt like I had to detach from that moment..to prevent from crying because I need to be strong. It was a bit similar to the movies. In the mid-April, I finished my nursing training. I was successful and yet I felt like I shouldn’t take the opportunity of working in the hospital setting.

Since then, my father and I had some sort of disagreement with regards to my career, a definite down in my roller coaster ride. He said that I should have pursued it. I said I would not be happy working there. In the end, I stood by my decision. I followed my heart. It was a rough decision between practicality and happiness. Until now, I don’t know what to make out of it. Probably, I just chickened out because I was scared of failure. Or probably, there is something behind the turn of events that somehow makes it right.

By June, my grandmother passed away. She was really an angel in my life. She has always stood by my side, my defender in many ways. Like I said before, I’m just happy that my she and my grandfather are now together in heaven, a bit relieved that she didn’t need to feel pain anymore.

In September, I got freelance writing jobs. That’s when I thought that maybe I am meant to be a writer. I’m happy to have discovered this side of me. I have always loved writing because of my love for reading. Anyway, even if I am enjoying the perks of the job, I still miss dealing with patients and helping them. I miss nursing..but I guess it’s really true that you don’t know what you’re missing until it’s gone. I let the opportunity pass and here I am feeling slightly sorry about it but not so sorry about it (lol seriously I have a bad case of ambivalence).

Right now, what can I say..Yes I am thankful for everything that has happened. I’m still figuring this out but eventually things will unfold for me. I’ve pointed out before that I have always believed that all things happen for a reason.

Like I said, my year has been on a plateau but still a roller coaster ride. I remembered a character in John Green’s novel, “The Fault in Our Stars”. It’s Augustus Waters and he said there that he is on a roller coaster that only goes up. I want my life to be like that. A roller coaster that only goes up. A life that is so colorful because I learned to take calculated risks and be brave. That’s what I am going to do in 2014. Take risks, believe in what I can do.. and where fate takes me.

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A New Year for Adventures and Lessons

My 22nd birthday just passed. I came to realize many things about my life. There are not much but still these are pretty important for me. A year older than I was, I am still the same old me. I think I’ve been living on the “SAFE” side of my life for too long. Having just read a blog post about doing something new, I think I would want to do something that will make me feel proud of myself, of my decisions.

So, for this year, I guess I have to push myself to be braver. By that, I mean to let go of all the things that are holding me back. I have always been a worrier. That did nothing to make my life better. It held me back from the opportunities that I should I have taken. I have no regrets though. What makes feel good about myself right now is that I was able to stand by what I believe will make me happy in the long run. I can’t even blame myself or any other people for what is happening to my life. I guess I have to accept the reality. The good thing about acknowledging reality is that it helped me determine where I stand. Somehow, this provides comfort because I am still living a pretty much blessed life.

A new year for adventures and lessons:

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”- Mark Twain

I just love how this quote by Mark Twain reminded me on how life should be lived.  One part of me tells me to be safe and cautious in everything. However, that will be so boring for me. So, as a change, I will strive to be braver to try out new things and never hold back as long as I am doing the right thing. I don’t want to grow old and feel unfulfilled after all.

Day by day, I will live my life to the fullest as much as I can. I will not allow myself to be stagnant. There’s no way it will happen. I know I am destined for something that will make me happy and I deserve it.

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Blind Steps

I don’t even know where to go from here. My mind tells me different things. My heart feels different things. How do I decide on this?

I want to be able to do lots of things. I want to make myself happy. I want others to feel happy. It’s a non-stop episode of ambivalence, indecisiveness, and stubbornness in my life.

I desire to follow what I want. I do feel good too when I ask for advises. Maybe I’m just real clueless.

How do I start on doing things, when I feel so afraid? How do I take risks when I fear of getting hurt and rejected?

I just need something, something that will set my life in motion. I need to be able to feel like I’m living my life. I want to be free.

How do I go on with blind steps? Life is so complicated. Yes, I’ve heard that countless times.

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Follow your heart

Ever felt torn between two great things?

This is what I’m feeling right now. I have been having questions to where my life should go. While I’m having all the confusion with making this important decision of my life, I happen to have a very inspiring conversation with this friend of mine.

It was very insightful. I agree to the things that were said to me.

I was told to follow my heart. Where will I feel happy. I honestly don’t know where I could be happy. I am very indecisive. I always felt like asking someone for a little advice but to be honest, I don’t follow it. I want to be able to weigh things on mine own, to make decisions on my own.

It is true. I am very coward to do the thing that will make me happy. I’ve always felt the pull to make my happy first but it’s not that simple. I cannot put my happiness before other things. I cannot be selfish.

Though I am utterly conflicted now, I can’t help but still be stubborn. I am hoping that I will be able to do these two things. I wouldn’t want to give up on these just because  it’s hard and complicated. I will find a way to make this work out. I will make sure that I wouldn’t have to give one, these two things are so close to my heart. I will hold on. I will follow my heart.

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Step back. Appreciate things

During the past weeks, the bad issues about being not enough came flooding through my mind. Now, I realized that time does really heal. It makes things better. Somehow, I feel that I am in a better place right now than where I was when I was having my drama moments in life.

The main thing that I overlooked during those times is appreciation. I failed to appreciate the good things that have been happening in my life. Now, I’ve found my way back to smiling and being positive.

Recently, I’ve been able to get an opportunity that led me to believe more in myself. Actually, I was surprised about how things turned out. It could have gone worse but it did not.

What I’m really saying is, maybe, just maybe, I should learn to smile despite my failures and insecurities. Then, ignore it. I should have known my lesson, that is to let time heal me. Then, after moving on, life gets better. Appreciation is easier to make. It makes me think that every aspect of my life is just getting back on track.

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End of another chapter

It’s been a good four month-training at the hospital. It definitely taught me a lot of things I would have never learned from school. I’ve got the first taste of what it is like to become a professional nurse, someone who practices her chosen field.

First of all, I am very aware that I wouldn’t have made it if it weren’t for some people who helped me. I know that this looks like a speech but it’s not. It’s like, I don’t know, maybe fate has intervened to make me start my nursing career. I would have never thought that I would become one of the lucky ones who got a chance to practice nursing so suddenly after passing the board exam.

I somehow felt proud of myself. In my four months training, I encountered different types of patients, with different diagnosis, with different personalities, with different demands, with different significant others, etc. It felt good to become a part of someone’s life in such a short span of time. I know that I may have not done that much but when I see my patients smile or relieved from their pain, I feel good. I feel as if I’ve made the right decision of pursuing this career. The thanks that I have received, that made me feel fulfilled.

On the other hand, I felt worried about my general performance. I admit that skills-wise, I am not the one who definitely excels at it. I tend to make a lot of mistakes and I chastise myself for every single one of them. With every mistake I commit, I felt as though I was being judged, worse, I was being laughed at and judged by everyone who saw my mistake. I know that it is a pretty harsh thing to do to myself, but I cannot help it. I feel like I way more inferior to others. It’s not so easy to cope with those kinds of feelings. I wish I would get over it soon and gain confidence.

However, I think, the best part that happened in my training was meeting new friends to whom I created a bond with. It’s always good to make new acquaintances. I shared lots of memories with them and felt like I was really welcomed by the group.

All in all, my final thought: I am hoping that there’ll be a positive output from my four-months training. I hope that I can be hired in one of the company hospitals that I am eyeing. I want to stay positive and hopefully throw my worries away.

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Making the most out of it

I am making the most out of what I can do. I once said to myself that I will do it when I am given the opportunity. Yes, the opportunity has shown up and I definitely gave it a try. Now, I’m proud that I achieve something that I promised myself to be doing.

I’ve always loved reading and writing. I am really lucky that I have been given a chance to do writing for living. I was able to get a part-time job for writing articles and stuff. I know that it’s worth a shot. I’m still a beginner and I still need to learn more. I am just so happy that I get to do a thing that I enjoy as a job.

Now, I’m trying to balance everything in my hands, my nursing career training, this article writing job, my blogging, my reading, and my relaxing time with my family.

I do feel lucky and blessed now.

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Crazy World

I’m back again. It’s been a while. Time flies by so fast. It’s now mid-January. Lots of things are happening. So I may post a lot. I’ve been undergoing a nursing training program.

It’s like first day of school again. I am “my usual quiet self” at the first 2 weeks (that’s just how I am). Everybody is like: “Can you speak?” or “Do you ever speak?” It’s a bit annoying. Of course, I can. Duh. I always hate it when people judge me when they haven’t talked to me yet.

After that week of incessant comments on my introvert personality, I finally began to warm up to the people around me. I got to meet and talk to some awesome people. They’re actually fun to have conversations with. There are a lot of moments wherein we’ll just laugh and laugh. Then, my stomach will hurt because, well, it’s their fault.

I am now relieved that there has been a progress with me in making new friends. I am much more of a conversant now. I guess this is just the way I am. I am shy at first, but when you take time to actually know me, I’m one of the craziest people that you will meet.

It’s still an unclear journey. I have lots to work hard for. I want to be able to achieve things for myself. This is just the beginning of everything.

I’m also glad that in line with my training, I now have a part-time job. I’m proud of myself for doing that. Hopefully, I’ll be able to earn more, so I can help with my family’s expenses.

All in all, I am still coping with the changes. I need to keep up with my life. This is what I love about what’s happening now, I am finally moving forward.

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I had to, this time

I’ve been busy the past few days. I’m really thinking so much about how I should go on with my career. Apparently, I’m “too much of a fresh grad” to be hired to work as staff nurse in a hospital. Like, that really doesn’t give a lot of options.

Option 1: Continue giving out my resumes and credentials to countless hospitals until one contacts me and schedules me for an exam and interview. Then I get hired.

Option 2: Be a volunteer nurse in a hospital. In that way, I could have an experience. Arghhhh..This is so frustrating. Volunteering is equal to not having salary and I’m saying hello to another few months of being broke and depending on my parents. Oh great!

Option 3: Start on my masters (not an option, lol, I don’t have funds for that yet but I can dream right?)

Option 4: Shift to another career (uhmmm..)

Option 5: Any medical-related job will do.

It’s really disappointing to find myself being included in a situation wherein there’s an oversupply of nurses in this country, yet, there’s not enough job for all of us. Sadly, nurses here have to endure volunteering, being underemployed, or in the case of those who are employed as staff nurses, being underpaid. This is why it’s frustrating. I want a job, but not just a job. I want a job which will make me happy at what I do. I guess, I’ll have to settle for volunteering, if ever my application as a volunteer nurse be accepted. *crosses fingers*