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2013 Wrap up

It’s another year that has finished. Like they say, “Time flies by”. We are again in the point when we reminisce and reflect about the year that has passed.

To be honest, I must say that this year is a roller coaster ride though most of it was on plateau. It’s not like the negative kind of plateau but rather boring. I stayed in my comfort zone and did not do anything to be out of it. The plateau would refer to me choosing the easier way in which I don’t have to make an effort. Actually, I don’t regret anything that I have decided. In fact, I am really happy to have made those decisions. I’ve learned my lessons.

2013 is not an easy year though it’s mostly spent in plateau. In the beginning of the year, I get to practice my career as a nurse. It was such a happy moment for me. I got to learn and do what I was taught in nursing school. I realized that it’s indeed a noble profession to be in. Compassion and dedication are needed to pursue it. I’ve come across different people.. and faced with unexpected experiences. One of which was seeing a patient deteriorating and dying before my eyes. I felt like I had to detach from that moment..to prevent from crying because I need to be strong. It was a bit similar to the movies. In the mid-April, I finished my nursing training. I was successful and yet I felt like I shouldn’t take the opportunity of working in the hospital setting.

Since then, my father and I had some sort of disagreement with regards to my career, a definite down in my roller coaster ride. He said that I should have pursued it. I said I would not be happy working there. In the end, I stood by my decision. I followed my heart. It was a rough decision between practicality and happiness. Until now, I don’t know what to make out of it. Probably, I just chickened out because I was scared of failure. Or probably, there is something behind the turn of events that somehow makes it right.

By June, my grandmother passed away. She was really an angel in my life. She has always stood by my side, my defender in many ways. Like I said before, I’m just happy that my she and my grandfather are now together in heaven, a bit relieved that she didn’t need to feel pain anymore.

In September, I got freelance writing jobs. That’s when I thought that maybe I am meant to be a writer. I’m happy to have discovered this side of me. I have always loved writing because of my love for reading. Anyway, even if I am enjoying the perks of the job, I still miss dealing with patients and helping them. I miss nursing..but I guess it’s really true that you don’t know what you’re missing until it’s gone. I let the opportunity pass and here I am feeling slightly sorry about it but not so sorry about it (lol seriously I have a bad case of ambivalence).

Right now, what can I say..Yes I am thankful for everything that has happened. I’m still figuring this out but eventually things will unfold for me. I’ve pointed out before that I have always believed that all things happen for a reason.

Like I said, my year has been on a plateau but still a roller coaster ride. I remembered a character in John Green’s novel, “The Fault in Our Stars”. It’s Augustus Waters and he said there that he is on a roller coaster that only goes up. I want my life to be like that. A roller coaster that only goes up. A life that is so colorful because I learned to take calculated risks and be brave. That’s what I am going to do in 2014. Take risks, believe in what I can do.. and where fate takes me.

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A New Year for Adventures and Lessons

My 22nd birthday just passed. I came to realize many things about my life. There are not much but still these are pretty important for me. A year older than I was, I am still the same old me. I think I’ve been living on the “SAFE” side of my life for too long. Having just read a blog post about doing something new, I think I would want to do something that will make me feel proud of myself, of my decisions.

So, for this year, I guess I have to push myself to be braver. By that, I mean to let go of all the things that are holding me back. I have always been a worrier. That did nothing to make my life better. It held me back from the opportunities that I should I have taken. I have no regrets though. What makes feel good about myself right now is that I was able to stand by what I believe will make me happy in the long run. I can’t even blame myself or any other people for what is happening to my life. I guess I have to accept the reality. The good thing about acknowledging reality is that it helped me determine where I stand. Somehow, this provides comfort because I am still living a pretty much blessed life.

A new year for adventures and lessons:

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”- Mark Twain

I just love how this quote by Mark Twain reminded me on how life should be lived.  One part of me tells me to be safe and cautious in everything. However, that will be so boring for me. So, as a change, I will strive to be braver to try out new things and never hold back as long as I am doing the right thing. I don’t want to grow old and feel unfulfilled after all.

Day by day, I will live my life to the fullest as much as I can. I will not allow myself to be stagnant. There’s no way it will happen. I know I am destined for something that will make me happy and I deserve it.

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I’m Back!!!!

I don’t know what just happened. Apparently, I have been MIA here since August 21st. Honestly, I’m always online..but the thing is either I am too busy to blog or too tired and not in the mood to write. I guess I just needed to re-learn why I created this blog in the first place.

In the past few days, I just got all swallowed up by the thing I call real life…even though I think my real life is nothing exciting than the ones who got to go out, live their lives, and tell to themselves “YOLO”.

Actually, I have been so blessed during the whole time I was not here. I was juggling freelance jobs in hopes that I could compensate for my shortcomings to my parents and help my family with daily expenses as well. I have been called for nursing job interviews but I think I am becoming a little bit picky. I’m still going with my gut feel I guess. So, far I’ve been happy for following my gut and my heart.

Now that I am back, I hope I will be able to allot time to regularly post here. I am also thinking of adding a new page to my blog called “Notes to Self”. This will still be rants to myself but more likely written as short notes. So, that I will not lose my ideas whenever my mind gets all jumbled with them.

Oh and by the way, it’s just 10 days before my 22nd birthday! 😀 Enjoy your day everyone!

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Follow your heart

Ever felt torn between two great things?

This is what I’m feeling right now. I have been having questions to where my life should go. While I’m having all the confusion with making this important decision of my life, I happen to have a very inspiring conversation with this friend of mine.

It was very insightful. I agree to the things that were said to me.

I was told to follow my heart. Where will I feel happy. I honestly don’t know where I could be happy. I am very indecisive. I always felt like asking someone for a little advice but to be honest, I don’t follow it. I want to be able to weigh things on mine own, to make decisions on my own.

It is true. I am very coward to do the thing that will make me happy. I’ve always felt the pull to make my happy first but it’s not that simple. I cannot put my happiness before other things. I cannot be selfish.

Though I am utterly conflicted now, I can’t help but still be stubborn. I am hoping that I will be able to do these two things. I wouldn’t want to give up on these just because  it’s hard and complicated. I will find a way to make this work out. I will make sure that I wouldn’t have to give one, these two things are so close to my heart. I will hold on. I will follow my heart.

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Listen.

Stop letting people who do so little for you control so much of your mind, feelings, and emotions.-Will Smith

I get these brief glimpses of the days when I just felt so bad about myself. My mind drifts to those times when I feel like I am not good enough for everything. Why do I care so much about not being enough for others?

Maybe some of you go through what I have been going through. It’s like no matter how I try to rid of what others think of me, it still affects me.

Now, I just can’t help but feel tired in doing so. I feel tired of caring about what others will think. I want to stop giving attention to what they think about me. I will try to live for myself as much as I can. I know things happen for a reason. I just hope that soon enough I will get my answers. As for now, I’ll try to live the best of my life. If I had to, I will remind myself everyday to make myself happy, to feel less insecure, to ward off all hate and bitterness. Maybe if I do that, I’ll feel so much contented with myself. I won’t have to wish I am like what others are because I am just simply happy being me. I look forward to seeing myself like that. I really do hope so.

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Probably Surviving

You feel like you’re thrown inside an arena. You think that probably you cannot survive the mess that you were into. Yes, it is hard. You struggle everyday. You have no idea how long you’ll be able to catch up with all the complexities that are happening around you.

You feel like giving up, but you tell yourself everyday to go on and try to survive. You say to yourself that you need to be strong for yourself.  If not, then, who is going to be strong for you?

You know what, it’s going to be okay eventually. You will come out of that “arena” that you’re into. You’re going to make it and be proud of yourself. You will be glad that you went through that, because that made you stronger and better.

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I Won’t Give Up

Dear my-ever-doubting-self,

Everything’s going fine, isn’t it? You’ve made it this far. You’ve worked hard to get to this point. You may have those persistent and annoying self-doubt thoughts in your head and yes, you are strong enough to put them in rest sometimes. It is hard. You struggle, you have so much things going on. You try to balance things in your head.

You berate yourself for making mistakes. Stop doing that. It is good to make mistakes. Nothing is wrong with it. I know feel bad because you think that you look like a fool in the eyes of others or they belittle you for your mistakes. Learn to learn from it. There’s no other way around it than to accept it and try to be better, not bitter.

You are strong. Keep that in mind. Don’t let anybody step on you. Fight if you have to. But be silent when it is right to do so.

Respect yourself. It’s the only way that others are going to respect you too.

Make friends. Laugh with them. Learn from them. Don’t let them drift away. Hold on to them.

Another note, don’t give u, okay? You’ll make it. Whatever it is you want to achieve, you”ll eventually have it as long as you work your ass off.

Smile. Try your hardest. Better your best. Don’t stop. You can do it.

Love,

Your optimistic-and-loving-self

 

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What would I DO?

what

There’ll be an endless list of the things that I will do if I knew that I couldn’t fail. Only IF. A lot of things would be so much different. I would have been braver and more positive in life.

But would I still attempt if I knew I wouldn’t fail? Probably and probably not.  I may have tried doing something at the very first thought that comes to my mind. I would have rushed doing things. I would have accomplished plenty of things.

If I knew I wouldn’t fail, I would be the first one to volunteer in doing something. I would be the one to show everybody that they didn’t have to be afraid of trying because like me, I didn’t fail. So, chances are if I can do it, they  can too.

On the other hand, if I knew I wouldn’t fail, I wouldn’t have worked that hard for something that I’ve wanted so much.For example, I would have taken exams less seriously. If I already knew that I will pass, I wouldn’t have studied for it.

There are so many possibilities when I start thinking about the things I would attempt to do if I knew I would not fail. But, actually, I still think that it’s better not knowing whether I can succeed or fail. There would be no excitement, no hard work, no surprise. I mean everything will just be plain.

All in all, it’s good at some point to have the thinking that I cannot fail. But I suppose, I strive harder if I knew that there will be two possibilities: Succeeding and Failing. While Failing seems to be hard to accept, there’s a sense of beauty to it. I always think that it’s much better to fail at some point. I get to realize my mistakes and hold on to it in a way that I will make sure I’ll do it correctly the next time. Also, failing makes me feel to put value on things, especially to those that I put a lot of effort on, but still fail on doing. Either way, the main point is to keep on trying. If I get something on one shot, then that’s good. But if I fail, I make sure to try and try until I succeed.

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PUSH

Have you ever felt that for once you can conquer your doubts and insecurities? Have you ever thought that you can be strong enough to accomplish things for yourself? Have you thought of just taking things head on because you feel confident and you feel good?

Yes. You can be whoever you want. You can do whatever you want. Make the most out of your life. PUSH harder. You can make it. All it takes is some trust to yourself. Think of someone or something that will inspire you to do things. Try harder to give yourself a life that you think you deserve. You cannot just stay there where you are and be stuck there forever. Dream of the impossible things. That will fuel you further to keep on trying. Keep on facing challenges, that’s what makes life more exciting.

GO! You can do it! 🙂

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Making the most out of it

I am making the most out of what I can do. I once said to myself that I will do it when I am given the opportunity. Yes, the opportunity has shown up and I definitely gave it a try. Now, I’m proud that I achieve something that I promised myself to be doing.

I’ve always loved reading and writing. I am really lucky that I have been given a chance to do writing for living. I was able to get a part-time job for writing articles and stuff. I know that it’s worth a shot. I’m still a beginner and I still need to learn more. I am just so happy that I get to do a thing that I enjoy as a job.

Now, I’m trying to balance everything in my hands, my nursing career training, this article writing job, my blogging, my reading, and my relaxing time with my family.

I do feel lucky and blessed now.