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Nurse Problems: Freaking Out? Yes I am

What? January had passed already? Yes. Yes. Oh gosh. I can’t believe how fast time went. It just went by like that. Sometimes I worry if I was able to do as much as I can in a certain time. It feels like one month was too long and yet it’s still little time to get what I was aiming for.

So, why am I freaking out? I feel like I have been left out of nursing to a great extent. I mean it’s been already 9 months since I was able to perform the responsibilities and duties of a nurse. It’s as if I am worrying that all knowledge I have might leave my memories. I don’t really want to leave the profession that I have come to love. I feel good about knowing that I am a nurse but it’s really tough. In nursing it’s like, you can’t get what you want that fast. You have to strive hard to become a successful nurse. I know it’s like that in every profession. I have to admit that I am frustrated by the fact that I am not practicing my profession. It’s my fault really. I would have had the chance to start working as a staff nurse but I chickened out.

We all know the saying “You don’t know what you have until you lose it”. That is exactly what I realized. Again, regretting things will not be very useful to me. Instead, I think I will need to live with the PRESENT.

Back to the PRESENT: I have a job that pays off good better compared to practicing nursing in my country. I will not deny it but I need to survive. I chose my writing job over nursing. After 9 months of leaving my real profession, here I am wondering about things. I think I am missing out on a big part of my life. I realized that I can help save people’s lives and make my life more worth it.

Because of that realization, I am more determined than ever. I will be back to the profession that I have come to love. I feel like it’s my calling. I decided to save money for a training. I hope I can pursue this. I know it will not be easy but I will persevere. I promise that in two months I will be back to practicing nursing. I will improve myself and live the life that I ought to be having. I refuse to be locked up in my room writing in solitude (lol, jk). I love writing but nursing is my calling. I need a path and a clear goal. I hope I can do this.

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2013 Wrap up

It’s another year that has finished. Like they say, “Time flies by”. We are again in the point when we reminisce and reflect about the year that has passed.

To be honest, I must say that this year is a roller coaster ride though most of it was on plateau. It’s not like the negative kind of plateau but rather boring. I stayed in my comfort zone and did not do anything to be out of it. The plateau would refer to me choosing the easier way in which I don’t have to make an effort. Actually, I don’t regret anything that I have decided. In fact, I am really happy to have made those decisions. I’ve learned my lessons.

2013 is not an easy year though it’s mostly spent in plateau. In the beginning of the year, I get to practice my career as a nurse. It was such a happy moment for me. I got to learn and do what I was taught in nursing school. I realized that it’s indeed a noble profession to be in. Compassion and dedication are needed to pursue it. I’ve come across different people.. and faced with unexpected experiences. One of which was seeing a patient deteriorating and dying before my eyes. I felt like I had to detach from that moment..to prevent from crying because I need to be strong. It was a bit similar to the movies. In the mid-April, I finished my nursing training. I was successful and yet I felt like I shouldn’t take the opportunity of working in the hospital setting.

Since then, my father and I had some sort of disagreement with regards to my career, a definite down in my roller coaster ride. He said that I should have pursued it. I said I would not be happy working there. In the end, I stood by my decision. I followed my heart. It was a rough decision between practicality and happiness. Until now, I don’t know what to make out of it. Probably, I just chickened out because I was scared of failure. Or probably, there is something behind the turn of events that somehow makes it right.

By June, my grandmother passed away. She was really an angel in my life. She has always stood by my side, my defender in many ways. Like I said before, I’m just happy that my she and my grandfather are now together in heaven, a bit relieved that she didn’t need to feel pain anymore.

In September, I got freelance writing jobs. That’s when I thought that maybe I am meant to be a writer. I’m happy to have discovered this side of me. I have always loved writing because of my love for reading. Anyway, even if I am enjoying the perks of the job, I still miss dealing with patients and helping them. I miss nursing..but I guess it’s really true that you don’t know what you’re missing until it’s gone. I let the opportunity pass and here I am feeling slightly sorry about it but not so sorry about it (lol seriously I have a bad case of ambivalence).

Right now, what can I say..Yes I am thankful for everything that has happened. I’m still figuring this out but eventually things will unfold for me. I’ve pointed out before that I have always believed that all things happen for a reason.

Like I said, my year has been on a plateau but still a roller coaster ride. I remembered a character in John Green’s novel, “The Fault in Our Stars”. It’s Augustus Waters and he said there that he is on a roller coaster that only goes up. I want my life to be like that. A roller coaster that only goes up. A life that is so colorful because I learned to take calculated risks and be brave. That’s what I am going to do in 2014. Take risks, believe in what I can do.. and where fate takes me.

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I want to

My life has been a blur these past few days. There had been lots of drama and tension. I felt like I was losing control of the things that were going on my life. It’s because some people are making decisions for me. I’m sure they only want what’s best for me but I can’t let them just tell what I should do with my life.

It’s just they don’t get me. I want to pursue two things in my life, it’s writing and nursing. Even if nursing is not my first choice, I learned to love it. It’s a fulfilling job. It feels really great when the patients appreciate their nurse. Meanwhile, I am forever in love with writing and reading. Lately, I have been doing some freelance writing. I love doing that job. I got to learn and explore more stuff.

All that I am saying is, I want to make decisions in my life. I don’t want others telling me how I should live it. I want to make myself feel happy because I love what I am doing. It’s just hard to wake up everyday when all I think about is how horrible my life is, just because I didn’t follow my heart.

I just hope that I’ll get somewhere, with all these things I’m thinking.

 

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Perks of being a Nurse

Thousands of nurses are unemployed in our country nowadays. Some preferred to get other jobs and some decided to stick to their chosen profession. Maybe most of my fellow nurses out there thought: “Why did I even take up nursing?” My answer to that:” We have different reasons. But one thing is for sure, you cannot go back anymore. Deal with it!”

So, there are days that made me real thankful that I became a nurse. Somedays, I kind of regret it. But for the most part, I learned to love my profession. So, I thought of What are the Perks of being a Nurse? Here’s some of what I came up with:

10. We are one of the few people who can successfully transcribe and understand the doctors’ writing.

9. When there are days that we got sick but we don’t want to spend much on seeing a doctor, we know how we can manage ourselves in a way.

-For example, we have an idea what medicine we could take, but of course, we cannot prescribe. We can only buy the over-the-counter medicines.

8. Everyone who knows you are a nurse seeks for advice about their health.

-Though it may not be that much, some of nurses’ relatives/family members ask them about what they should do about the symptoms that they have been experiencing, or ask nurses what to do with it.

7. People feel safe when they are with nurses.

-I dunno much about his. But many of my friends say that they feel safe around us, or so they say. Yeah, pretty much self-explanatory.

6. Meeting people

-It’s the way on how we feel that we instantly become a small part of the people’s lives. Like the ones who become our patients, their family or relatives.

5. We get to practice our patience that it’ll take a lot for us to get irritated or angry.

Most of us can attest to this one. We can last long hours of not being able to sit down because we are too busy. We know how to handle stressful situations calmly even inside our minds, some of us are freaking out.

4. Nurses know first-aid, CPR, life-saving measures.

Aside from the doctors, nurses have the capacity of performing such life-saving measures which could be crucial if any situation like this arises.

3. Nurses are known to be clean and organized people.

2. We get to watch invasive surgeries and all those kind of stuff.

We live the Real-Life Greys Anatomy series.

1. Nurses get to touch people’s lives.

It’s such a great thing to feel fulfilled with our chosen profession. We get to witness the birth of a baby up to the last breath of a dying man. We are there. No matter how small the part that we contributed, it is still good to know that we indeed got a purpose to serve in our lives.

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End of another chapter

It’s been a good four month-training at the hospital. It definitely taught me a lot of things I would have never learned from school. I’ve got the first taste of what it is like to become a professional nurse, someone who practices her chosen field.

First of all, I am very aware that I wouldn’t have made it if it weren’t for some people who helped me. I know that this looks like a speech but it’s not. It’s like, I don’t know, maybe fate has intervened to make me start my nursing career. I would have never thought that I would become one of the lucky ones who got a chance to practice nursing so suddenly after passing the board exam.

I somehow felt proud of myself. In my four months training, I encountered different types of patients, with different diagnosis, with different personalities, with different demands, with different significant others, etc. It felt good to become a part of someone’s life in such a short span of time. I know that I may have not done that much but when I see my patients smile or relieved from their pain, I feel good. I feel as if I’ve made the right decision of pursuing this career. The thanks that I have received, that made me feel fulfilled.

On the other hand, I felt worried about my general performance. I admit that skills-wise, I am not the one who definitely excels at it. I tend to make a lot of mistakes and I chastise myself for every single one of them. With every mistake I commit, I felt as though I was being judged, worse, I was being laughed at and judged by everyone who saw my mistake. I know that it is a pretty harsh thing to do to myself, but I cannot help it. I feel like I way more inferior to others. It’s not so easy to cope with those kinds of feelings. I wish I would get over it soon and gain confidence.

However, I think, the best part that happened in my training was meeting new friends to whom I created a bond with. It’s always good to make new acquaintances. I shared lots of memories with them and felt like I was really welcomed by the group.

All in all, my final thought: I am hoping that there’ll be a positive output from my four-months training. I hope that I can be hired in one of the company hospitals that I am eyeing. I want to stay positive and hopefully throw my worries away.

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How do I stand out?

This is a thing that I really need to work on, how I do stand out among 27 other people?

I’m not the overly genius type of person who will be able to answer questions in a matter of seconds. I definitely make mistakes sometimes. I still hate Math like I did when I was still studying. How could I stand out if I’m not that type?

I’m not much of a competitive person too. I don’t want to throw others off. I prefer to work at my own pace. I want to learn by asking too much. There are times that I think ahead and anticipate things, but I don’t want to see others as “competitors”. I still want to believe that my competition in this situation is my thoughts and mindset.

In terms of skills, I am still learning. I’m still new at this kind of thing. I am still afraid of trying out things without being guided. I make errors and I hope it’s alright to make them and learn from them.

Do I need to be the kind of person who befriends everyone? Maybe I should. I should also start getting out of my introverted self mode. I should make lots of conversations with others. They should feel at ease with me and make them like me. Is that what I want?

I don’t know what to do anymore. I need to stand out among these other 27 people. I hope I can find a way, but I can’t. As I said, I am not the competitive type of person, but I do make sure I put lots of effort to what I do.

Will effort be enough? I hope so. I pray that somehow, there will be a miracle that I would be noticed because of what I felt is right to do. I did my best in every work I did. I put my heart in being able to help my patients as much as I can.

I know that this looks like an overthinking post. But, I just really need to vent it out before I get crazy. I am leaving anything to faith now. If it’s meant to be, I will pass this training and get hired. I am hoping for the best to come. *crosses fingers and chants positive mantras*

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How I spent my Valentines Day

I would have loved to write here about a story on how I spent Valentines Day with my sweetheart, having a dinner with him, and receiving chocolates and flowers from him, but lol, no. Sorry to say, I don’t have ‘that’ guy to spend this day with.

So, instead of telling about that scenario, I spent my Valentines Day having a duty at the hospital. I had so much fun during my duty. My senior nurses and fellow trainees organized a mini-party since we will now be able to celebrate the Valentines day outside. Another plus for today is that our patients gave us cakes and other sweet stuff. It’s also our last day of duty for that area of the hospital, so we made sure to make it memorable.

I also spent my day trying to lower the blood pressure of my patient who is super hypertensive. Thank God, he was okay by the time that our duty ended.

All in all, this is a great way to spend Valentines Day. I learned a lot. I’ve made good memories. That’s good, instead of me wallowing because of the fact that I am single and doesn’t have a Valentine.

 

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The Beginning

I’m back again! During my previous posts I’ve been mentioning that I am undergoing a training at the hospital for employment. I have been having my duties for one week now and so far, I’m enjoying every moment of it.

I would declare this period in my life as the beginning of my career as a registered nurse. I realized that in my profession, there should be constant improvement of myself. It’ s like you cannot just stop at one point. I know it’s a little bit tiring but I have no choice, I’m already here. I cannot turn back anymore.

What makes me love what I do now is that I am now getting the feeling of how it is to be a staff nurse in a hospital.

My favorite part of my hospital duties is when my patients thank me for what I do for them. That’s when I know that I am being efficient and that I am able to attend to their needs. I know that I am not that great yet in terms of skills, but I can be great in interacting with them. It just feels good that they appreciate me, that they thank me and smile at me as they go for discharge.

Maybe this is why I’ve been in nursing. I am beginning to appreciate it more and love it more.

Whatever will be the result of this training, I will fully accept and understand it. All I am keeping in my mind now is that if it is meant to be, it will be. I’ll just go with the flow.

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Don’t be hard on yourself. Enjoy the moment.

Dear you,

Stop stressing out yourself. You’re being hard on yourself again.

I know you’ve got to be better than you are, that you need to learn a lot of things, that you’ve got to exceed expectations, and that you need to prove to yourself that you’re good enough. People’s eyes are on you, judging you if you are ready, if you are capable enough, and that is what stresses you out. Well, RELAX. BREATHE. Let go of those thoughts.

Start enjoying the moment. Appreciate things around you. You should be aware that you’re lucky because you were given such opportunity. You are there to learn and you do not have to prove that you’re something. Just be you. Just love what you do, enjoy it. Nothing is going to happen with all the worrying that you’re doing. Keep that in mind.

When you’re feeling down because something happened that made you feel unworthy or offended, say to yourself, “Well, fvck them! I am fabulous and I can do this!” Arghhh..I hope you can stick to this mantra forever.

You’re doing good, Jenny. I know you are. You know in yourself that you enjoy  your life now, even if it is so exhausting to keep up with all that has been happening. Just do not let the negativity turn you down. You’ll get through this. Trust yourself.

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Don’t be afraid of failures

“Never be afraid to fall apart because it is an opportunity to rebuild yourself the way you wish you had been all along.”- Rae Smith

I like how this quote hit something inside of me. I remembered what happened in my training yesterday.

In our training, as a form of evaluation, we had a post-test about the things that we’re discussed. I know that I didn’t study that much but I was still pretty confident that I’ll be able to get a high score.

As the announcements were made, I was included in the list of people who didn’t pass the test. I was so frustrated with myself and I felt so incompetent. The “what-ifs” crossed my mind. I was being very hard on myself at that moment.

Luckily, the instructors gave us another chance. I was still worried that I wouldn’t be able to pass the another exam that they had prepared for us. I don’t want to feel so low but I’ve got to give the bestest that I can give.

After that, the exams were re-checked and I passed. Someone from our group (the ones who didn’t pass) the post-test told us that we will be given special attention because we failed during our first take. I have to admit that it had hurt my self-esteem. I told myself that I wouldn’t let that affect me.

During the return demonstration of our skills for the training, I was able to feel that I should recover from my past failure. I want to prove something to myself. I want to prove that I can be better if I wanted to. I can take over things.

Our training was actually a simulation on how to save someone on cardiac arrest, those medical stuff. Each in our team got the chance to be a team captain.

When it was my turn, I just kept in mind that I have to trust myself. And I did. I was able to execute the procedures I was expected to perform. I and my team passed.

I was so pleased in the end. I appreciated what happened, what I have to go through. It was a good way to make me stronger and better.