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I want a life with life

Do you know what they say about living your life to the fullest? I bet you do.

Most of the time, I feel as if I am afraid to come out of my shell and live the life that I am supposed to live. As days, months, and years pass by..I realized how little life is in my life. Don’t get me wrong. I am happy for all the blessings and people who have been in my life. I just crave for more. I want to achieve and accomplish things. I feel that longing inside of me to do something for myself that will make me proud ten or more years from now.

It’s sad that I have turned back from a few opportunities in the past. I tell myself to move on. There are times I feel like I did already but sometimes I can’t help but ponder on what might have been. I guess this is why I get stuck on the past.

I read somewhere about the ways to get what you want. It was about the law of attraction. Though I believe in karma, fate, and stuff like that, I believe in God more. Aside from that, I have always believed that everything happens for a reason.

I always ask myself, “What do I really want in life?”. That question will lead to another..until such time I have so many questions in my head that I feel like already exploding. Is it really wrong to be confused and not know what you want in life? I guess so..it makes me feel hopeless and helpless.

However, at the end of the day, no matter how we question ourselves and what has been happening in our lives, one thing is sure..if we push ourselves to want and get what we desire, we will get it. Of course, it is very important that we act and exert  effort. That is what I need now. I need to act and make effort. I hope it’s going to take me to where I would really want to go.

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Day 16: What’s my reputation?

The task for the Day 16 of the Zero to Hero: 30 Days to a Better Blog involves publishing a post about the Daily Prompt. Well, here’s the Daily Prompt last January 17:

Do you have a reputation? What is it, and where did it come from? Is it accurate? What do you think about it?

I have posted here before that people think of me as shy and quiet. They’re right because I can be shy and quiet but not really. It’s not the real me. My closest friends know that I can be loud, crazy and opinionated. That’s how I tend to be once you get to know me. I guess people who I will not have a chance to talk to and be comfortable with will never know that. It’s alright sometimes that there are people who think of me as shy and quiet. What I don’t like is when they acknowledge it in a tone that I don’t like. It seems like they think that I don’t have anything to say about a certain topic when in truth my mind is flooded with many opinions about it. I just don’t like talking with many people’s eyes focused on me. That’s why I stay quiet except when I am asked. Right now, I am trying my best to be really sociable. After all, I cannot always stay shy and quiet. I need to be assertive and opinionated when necessary. That’s also one of the reasons why I have this blog..to share my thoughts and opinions when I can’t tell them through verbal means. 😛

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Day 14: Struggling to keep up

Here’s the thing, I am having a hard time to keep up with the tasks. It’s just I have been busy with lots of things happening to me. I know it’s not an excuse though. Anyway, please forgive me for being four days behind for the challenge. Lol. I am so doing this at the pace of a turtle. For the Day 14 of the Zero to Hero: 30 days to a Better Blog, it stated that it’s the blogger’s choice what to do or publish. I think I will use this opportunity to share my thoughts about this blogging challenge.

At first, I was so excited with doing it. I guess that’s the way I can be sometimes. There are times in which I can be patient and attentive. Then, after that..I begin to lose interest…So, there goes my attempt in posting everyday. Well, I am thinking that at least I am trying to catch up.

Doing this challenge has really helped my blog traffic. I think I have increased viewers and followers ever since the first day of the challenge. In addition to that, there are actually people who commented on my posts. It’s like I got what I wished for when I started out the Zero to Hero challenge. So, thank you to all of them. It helped me to push myself to be actually better.

So, now that I am very delayed in the tasks..I am just really hoping that I will catch up. I don’t like to give up on this challenge though. It’s one of my goals for this year..to complete a blog challenge. To anyone out there who might be losing interest for awhile..I hope this post can also motivate you. Now, I am off to do the next tasks for the challenge. 🙂

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Day 3: What was running through my mind?

This day, the Zero to Hero: 30 Days to a Better Blog assignment is somehow like a way of reminiscing for me. Well, today’s topic revolves around my thoughts when I started this blog. Let me be true to all of you. I can’t even seem to remember what was running through my mind when I created it.

Based on what I can recall, I signed up for WordPress to keep a private blog. I think I was looking for an online diary or something where I can share my thoughts and feelings anonymously (I knew I’m weird like that). I remember my first post as dedicated to love (or lack thereof). I was just messing around as a nineteen year-old girl, I go on writing about those stuff (internally smh to myself). I didn’t publish them though at that time because I was shy about having others reading it. Well, actually right now, the posts are visible to the public because I know that those are hidden in some way because I have published many posts already and no one has attempted or interested enough to read back to my archives way back in 2011.

After the three silly posts about love in 2011, I was gone in WordPress because I was busy with my studies. I came back in 2012 when I graduated and passed my nursing licensure exam. Since then, I used my struggles as a newly grad who tries to find her way to her career success for blog posts. Eventually, my blog transformed to something I love because it’s a collection of my memories.

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Where do I go from here?

I’m probably one of those people that you will meet that is so undecided with life. I change my mind many times. Sometimes, I worry that it will get me nowhere.

Another year is definitely another time to start over and refocus. It’s usually a time when people set new year’s resolution, a time to change oneself. I ask myself, where do I go from here? Truth is, I really don’t know. I feel like a child lost in the middle of nowhere.

Yes, it gets scary. I just read a blog post about wanting something more than being afraid of it. What I read moved me as an individual who is undecided in a lot of things. That’s my main problem, my fears eat me out. I always think that I cannot do it even if I haven’t tried it yet.

This year, I hope to change that fact. In 2014 I will be braver than I have ever been.

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2013 Wrap up

It’s another year that has finished. Like they say, “Time flies by”. We are again in the point when we reminisce and reflect about the year that has passed.

To be honest, I must say that this year is a roller coaster ride though most of it was on plateau. It’s not like the negative kind of plateau but rather boring. I stayed in my comfort zone and did not do anything to be out of it. The plateau would refer to me choosing the easier way in which I don’t have to make an effort. Actually, I don’t regret anything that I have decided. In fact, I am really happy to have made those decisions. I’ve learned my lessons.

2013 is not an easy year though it’s mostly spent in plateau. In the beginning of the year, I get to practice my career as a nurse. It was such a happy moment for me. I got to learn and do what I was taught in nursing school. I realized that it’s indeed a noble profession to be in. Compassion and dedication are needed to pursue it. I’ve come across different people.. and faced with unexpected experiences. One of which was seeing a patient deteriorating and dying before my eyes. I felt like I had to detach from that moment..to prevent from crying because I need to be strong. It was a bit similar to the movies. In the mid-April, I finished my nursing training. I was successful and yet I felt like I shouldn’t take the opportunity of working in the hospital setting.

Since then, my father and I had some sort of disagreement with regards to my career, a definite down in my roller coaster ride. He said that I should have pursued it. I said I would not be happy working there. In the end, I stood by my decision. I followed my heart. It was a rough decision between practicality and happiness. Until now, I don’t know what to make out of it. Probably, I just chickened out because I was scared of failure. Or probably, there is something behind the turn of events that somehow makes it right.

By June, my grandmother passed away. She was really an angel in my life. She has always stood by my side, my defender in many ways. Like I said before, I’m just happy that my she and my grandfather are now together in heaven, a bit relieved that she didn’t need to feel pain anymore.

In September, I got freelance writing jobs. That’s when I thought that maybe I am meant to be a writer. I’m happy to have discovered this side of me. I have always loved writing because of my love for reading. Anyway, even if I am enjoying the perks of the job, I still miss dealing with patients and helping them. I miss nursing..but I guess it’s really true that you don’t know what you’re missing until it’s gone. I let the opportunity pass and here I am feeling slightly sorry about it but not so sorry about it (lol seriously I have a bad case of ambivalence).

Right now, what can I say..Yes I am thankful for everything that has happened. I’m still figuring this out but eventually things will unfold for me. I’ve pointed out before that I have always believed that all things happen for a reason.

Like I said, my year has been on a plateau but still a roller coaster ride. I remembered a character in John Green’s novel, “The Fault in Our Stars”. It’s Augustus Waters and he said there that he is on a roller coaster that only goes up. I want my life to be like that. A roller coaster that only goes up. A life that is so colorful because I learned to take calculated risks and be brave. That’s what I am going to do in 2014. Take risks, believe in what I can do.. and where fate takes me.

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Pending Post: What the heck am I supposed to do?

I know the title doesn’t look or sound good but that sums up everything about my post for today. Many days have passed again. So, I’ve been writing my thoughts on my phone just for the sake that I don’t forget what I’ve been intending to write for my blog. There is this post that I made when I pondered on what is happening on my life right now. It goes like this:

What the heck am I supposed to do?
Is there any guide on how to live your 20 somethings? That’s because I feel like I have not been living my life the way it should be lived. Sure there are bunch of articles telling us on what and how to live our lives in 20 somethings but tbh it feels like these are not enough. No matter what we read, there will no be no guide on how we live our lives. Well, if there are, we will not follow them anyway. We are the ones who choose how we live our lives (unless you let yourself to be dictated what to do in life).

They say have fun and you only live once so live your life to the fullest. Its unfair when every part of you feels scared on what the next step of your life should be. For me it feels like a series of being torn apart between life choices. The thing is as life goes on, you want to live a life that will make you the happiest..but how do we know what the heck makes us happy..what the heck are we supposed to do? I realized that it is truly hard when every hour of the day you long for that feeling of fulfillment. How do we ever know what will make us happy. Life is so complicated especially when we incorporate our over-thinking and over-worrying minds on it.

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Daily Prompt: Bloggers, Unplugged

Sometimes, we all need a break from these little glowing boxes. How do you know when it’s time to unplug? What do you do to make it happen?

To start off, I think that this prompt is a little inappropriate for me. Actually, I’ve been having long breaks from blogging here.

Well, getting back to the topic, the main sign for me to take a break from blogging is when I am not in the mood. This is actually hard to explain. There’s just days in which I just know that I don’t want to write. After all, I can’t force myself to make a post when it doesn’t even come from my heart (LOL I know it’s cheesy but it’s true). Anyway, what do I do to make it happen? I just get away from the site or just read the posts of the people I’ve been following. Some days, I actually feel the urge to use the old-fashioned version of blogging which is writing in my journal. That was way back before when I was not so busy. That’s why I used the term “urge to write”. So, I think I should reunite with my journal and fill up the pages. I really miss it actually. Therefore, I should make a mental note to write in my journal when I take a break from WordPress. That’s all!

Have an amazing Tuesday everyone!

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Note to Self # 3: One step at a time

You might get confused with what’s happening to your life. It’s totally fine. There are so many things that can get you so indecisive. That’s why it’s hard to make decisions. Every move made is vital because it will be a foundation of your future. In your thoughts, you may think, “Don’t you dare mess this up.” Guess what? Don’t over-think like you always did. What matters is that you don’t rush into things. Take one step at a time. Consider your feelings. Ask yourself if you will be really happy if you do this. After that, keep a positive mindset. That’s the only way you’ll have your success.

 

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Note to Self #2: Fall in love with yourself

Fall in love with yourself

You have been through a lot. There may be times when you think that you’re not enough (not pretty enough, not smart enough not funny enough, not talented enough, not capable enough). Whatever it is, stop thinking that you are not enough because you are actually good enough. It may not make that much sense but forget all the frustrations. Learn to love yourself. Tell yourself that you are fine with what you have. The only thing that is lacking is accepting your strengths and weaknesses. You would not be you today if you don’t have those. Don’t even compare yourself with others. There are actually people who love you for who you are. If they fell in love with who you are, then, you certainly can as well.