Sighs, face-palm moments, and life in general

Well, that was such a long title. Sorry about that. I was just really busy with stuff going on with my life. I really don’t want to abandon this blog though. It has been a huge help for me to express myself and relieve my stress. Writing will always be one of my passions in life.

Anyway, I think I changed in a lot of ways compared to the one writing on this blog several months before. Now, I felt like something in me changed dramatically. When I got a position as a staff nurse in a hospital, I felt as though I need to force myself to be more responsible and more mature. I feel lots of things changing. Also, I realized how complicated and difficult life could be. Thank goodness to my family, friends, books, and the internet, I kept myself sane. Lol.

Also, I kept thinking to myself..kept questioning myself..if I can survive my job/my profession. Sometimes, I just want to hate myself for being so unsure of many things. What am I supposed to do? I know people at my age are supposed to figure out things and focus more on career building. I feel like sighing various times. Life is indeed not very simple. You have to consider lots of things.

Yesterday, I felt so exhausted..with what happened to me at work. I felt myself crumbling..shattered inside because oh well..I thought that I am as not as efficient as I am supposed to be. I just broke down and cried. After all, I need to take my stress out of myself or else I am going to burst. I miss the comfort of life but would it be a life worth living if I just settled for mediocre things? Dream at home about the extraordinary things I could do, or be at places I want to go? I could not do that. I have to work and move my ass for my dreams. I internally tell myself to fight, to be brave, and to be courageous. I hope I can conquer all the fears and insecurities that I have. This will be a long fight and a long journey.

I am grateful for the time I have off my work but my negative thoughts kept plaguing my mind..the kind of facepalm-worthy memories that keep on flashing..urghhh..It can be really so frustrating. I guess I’ll get over this soon enough..and when I say soon..I hope really soooon.

Considering all those things aside, I think I’ve been lucky to get a job in my line of profession. I am mostly thankful for everything that I have now.

I’ll be back sometime soon.

-Jenny

So much going on at the moment

Hi everyone! I figured that it has been a month since my last post here. The thing is there have been so much going on at the moment. I loved all of it actually. Despite the fact that I am so busy, I feel as though I am so happy to be finally doing a lot of stuff again. I felt that I have been in love with my profession again no matter how difficult it could be.

So, I have been undergoing a hospital training again. Lol. I know. This is already my second time and I am hoping that it will really turn out well. I had my fair share of facepalm worthy moments at my training though. Most of the time I find myself cringing over those moments but I better begin to laugh it off as to not embarrass myself that much. Actually, I’ve been living in a way in which I should just enjoy everything that I have right now. It has been my mindset lately.. to just enjoy what’s happening even if it’s actually stressing me out. In this way, I think I have been able to cope up with the actual stress of the training program.

I am learning a lot. I am thankful that I get another shot to practicing the nursing profession. There are times when anxiety creeps up on me but I do my best to shrug it off. I have to believe that I can make it. I read some novels wherein this saying frequently appears, “Fake til you Make it.” Even though it kinda makes sense, I don’t think you should be faking anything to make it. It should be Work it til you Make it or something instead. It definitely does have more sense. You’ll make it when you work for it. It’s from the hardships that accomplishments and success come from.

Here’s what my realization is at this point in my life:

I am so indecisive and that fact scares the hell out of me. I am not so sure of everything. Call it fear of the unknown. Maybe that’s what I am so scared of. But…what propels me to keep moving on? All I can think of is FAITH. I have faith in my FAITH. I believe that everything’s going to be alright soon. I’m going to find my way to happiness. Call me cheesy or whatever you want but I think that’s how I have been living my life. If I’m not going to have faith in myself and God..maybe I’d be so lost and I’d drown in anxiety and confusion.

Yes. It is hard. But that’s what life is. Life doesn’t go easy on everyone. I’ve never head or known someone who had/has an easy life. No matter what happens, you just need to keep moving. You can be afraid but don’t let it stop you from getting what you want in life. Fight for it. Don’t be a coward. Don’t let an opportunity pass. Every once in awhile, do something that makes your adrenaline rush out of your system. After all the craziness has been over, you’ll feel accomplished and proud of yourself..that you helped yourself get through it.

 

Oh and I want to thank everyone who still has stuck to following this journal-like blog of mine. You guys take care!

Hoping

So, I’ve been long gone and now I’m back again. I know I have been kind of neglecting my blog. There are just thousand reasons why I haven’t posted much lately.

The thing is I finally decided to make my own book blog. I’ve been busy writing reviews and stuff. It’s like my stress reliever next to reading books..blogging about books. Anyway, enough of that..

Back to my life, I can say that I probably been much hopeful of all the things occurring to me right now. It seems that I can finally get back on track when it comes to my career. I’ve been accepted again for a training program. I’m just so grateful to have been given another chance. This time I will make the best out of this opportunity. I will fight for it because I want to friggin achieve my goal. I don’t want to stay lost. I feel as if this is divine intervention. Lol. Okay, I think I sound weird but whatever.

There’s always still a nagging voice in the back of my head telling me to be afraid..to worry..but I know I better not. Why should I be? I really am feeling hopeful. I want to stay like this as much as I can. I’m tired of negativity. I want to see myself as someone who’s better, stronger, braver, and more ambitious. Enough for my wasting of time. I might be still a little lost but I can feel that I am finally finding my way back to where I should really be in.

I’m just really really happy. I know I am saying this because I am just about to start on my journey again in my career. Hopefully, I will not tire of being positive for a long long time. I wish I could keep this optimism. Fate, family, friends, and books definitely helped changing my outlook in life.

Taking a break from everything

Here’s the thing, I finally quit from my job. I don’t know what to feel. Relief maybe? First of all, I intended to do it so I can go back to my career. I think I won’t ever stop talking about my career as long as I haven’t figured it out yet. I think I generally feel relief because now I have time to have a break from everything. I’m currently enjoying my free days..and that mostly involve me with a book on hand and drowning myself in fictional worlds wherein I feel better. What can I say..maybe this is a good decision.

 

Just in time with me quitting my work, I received a message from a hospital for another work opportunity. I can’t let myself hope that much yet but I am really really hoping. I can’t help myself from doing so. It’s like some sign that maybe I made the right decision and this is just a start for a new chapter in my life. Hopefully, this will go well. I am wishing so hard that I may be able to find the direction to which my life will be on. I feel helpless and more likely anxious about not figuring things out about my life. I don’t want to be a failure. I want to make be someone..someone who has achieved a lot of things for herself and her loved ones. I don’t just want to be plain. I don’t want to be stuck in a place where there is no improvement. I am afraid to be left behind.

 

Maybe lots of people get where I am coming from. It’s not easy to search and find that place where you will be happy. I think it’s a lifelong process..discovering yourself and your purpose. As dramatic as I am getting right now, well I’m happy that I have some things and people who keep me from going insane.

Things crossed off from my bucket list

Okay, so I’m pretty sure that many of us have made their own bucket lists. As for mine, it doesn’t contain many but I’m proud that most of the stuff I put there..I was able to accomplish already. Here are the items in my bucket list:

1. Save more money.
2. Get a new hairstyle.
3. Make a book blog and update it regularly.
4. Learn new things.
5. Try to go back to my nursing career.
6. Live and eat healthier.
7. Treat family for dinner/lunch/whatever.
8. Pass exams (IELTS)
9. Socialize more
10. Go to freaking gym
11. Attend a book signing event
12. Visit places I’ve never been to
13. Read more books and buy a new bookshelf
14. Undergo further training for my career
15. Go to a concert
16. Watch fireworks show
17. Go to Manila International Book Fair and Bookstore Warehouse Sale
18. Have an online business.
19. Get a signed book.
20. Buy an e-book reader.
21. Go outside more often.
22. Be brave. Take chances.
23. Fight for my decisions.

I know!! Most of the items in my bucket list are pretty lame. I think I should get more creative eh? Perhaps, go ziplining or diving? I would have to save up for that then. Oh and I gotta work on my socializing, saving money, and getting healthy. I’m pretty proud of myself though for accomplishing some of the things in the list.

 

I’m just sharing. Anybody else who got their own bucket list for 2014? 🙂

What I didn’t regret

You know those moments you think of all the things you did in the past and play it over and over inside your head?

That’s actually a very common scenario to me every night when I get to my bed and reflect on my life. I realized that there’s nothing much that I regret in my life. After all, it’s what I wanted. It was my decision to do that. So, it’s pretty useless for me to regret on stuff. Instead of focusing on regrets, I think I should focus on things I didn’t regret.

I remembered that moment I turned my back on nursing. It was one of the hardest decisions I’ve made in my life. I thought that I was such a coward from not taking that opportunity but I guess it’s good that I did it. Why? Because I realized I’m not yet ready. I know that the world won’t wait for me to get ready but in a job like nurses do..It’s really scary because the patients’ lives are in my hands and I can’t afford to make big mistakes. Yes I was scared and I know that it’s normal. I didn’t choose to face my fear though instead I ran away. Up to this day, I am still thankful though, that I did that. It opened up other opportunities and experiences for me.

Since quitting temporarily from my profession, I decided to pursue my love for writing. I enjoyed my job as a freelance article writer. It worked on me. I was able to do writing for living for 2 years already. I think it brought me lots of lessons. I was actually proud of myself because I was got one of my dream jobs.

For now, I think I am in the crossroads of my life. I don’t know if I should pursue my career but I miss working in the hospital and it’s so hard to get a working experience here in my country. Is it normal that I don’t know what I want to do with my life? I feel like going crazy sometimes. I need some time to find myself (lol).

My point here is that I do not think of my past mistakes as  regrets but rather lessons. I always believe that there are reasons behind the things that happen to our lives. Though the reasons may not still be clear for me, I believe that by that I will be guided on what I should do with my life.

Hopefully, I’ll figure out what I’ll do with my life. It’s totally confusing. 😛

When nothing happens like the way you planned it

Most of the time, we feel like control is necessary to make ourselves feel like we have everything on track. The most common thing we do to make sure we can control our lives is  planning. I admit that I am one of those who needs to constantly plan about everything in my life. If I don’t have it, I feel as though everything will be in a mess. Though I have a point in that, I am starting to believe that plans aren’t really that much necessary in some circumstances.

Why do I begin to believe that? Well, like we all know there are things in life that don’t happen the way we plan it or imagine it. I think it would be really wonderful to just get lost for a moment, try to figure out things, and go with the flow. That’s what we live for right? To find why we are here and what will make us happy. I guess that’s it. When things go wrong, there will come a time that things will go right. Gosh. Sometimes I don’t even really know what I am talking about. I could just hope and hope and hope because I know eventually things will go right. I will find my happiness and purpose.

I want a life with life

Do you know what they say about living your life to the fullest? I bet you do.

Most of the time, I feel as if I am afraid to come out of my shell and live the life that I am supposed to live. As days, months, and years pass by..I realized how little life is in my life. Don’t get me wrong. I am happy for all the blessings and people who have been in my life. I just crave for more. I want to achieve and accomplish things. I feel that longing inside of me to do something for myself that will make me proud ten or more years from now.

It’s sad that I have turned back from a few opportunities in the past. I tell myself to move on. There are times I feel like I did already but sometimes I can’t help but ponder on what might have been. I guess this is why I get stuck on the past.

I read somewhere about the ways to get what you want. It was about the law of attraction. Though I believe in karma, fate, and stuff like that, I believe in God more. Aside from that, I have always believed that everything happens for a reason.

I always ask myself, “What do I really want in life?”. That question will lead to another..until such time I have so many questions in my head that I feel like already exploding. Is it really wrong to be confused and not know what you want in life? I guess so..it makes me feel hopeless and helpless.

However, at the end of the day, no matter how we question ourselves and what has been happening in our lives, one thing is sure..if we push ourselves to want and get what we desire, we will get it. Of course, it is very important that we act and exert  effort. That is what I need now. I need to act and make effort. I hope it’s going to take me to where I would really want to go.

Nurse Problems: Freaking Out? Yes I am

What? January had passed already? Yes. Yes. Oh gosh. I can’t believe how fast time went. It just went by like that. Sometimes I worry if I was able to do as much as I can in a certain time. It feels like one month was too long and yet it’s still little time to get what I was aiming for.

So, why am I freaking out? I feel like I have been left out of nursing to a great extent. I mean it’s been already 9 months since I was able to perform the responsibilities and duties of a nurse. It’s as if I am worrying that all knowledge I have might leave my memories. I don’t really want to leave the profession that I have come to love. I feel good about knowing that I am a nurse but it’s really tough. In nursing it’s like, you can’t get what you want that fast. You have to strive hard to become a successful nurse. I know it’s like that in every profession. I have to admit that I am frustrated by the fact that I am not practicing my profession. It’s my fault really. I would have had the chance to start working as a staff nurse but I chickened out.

We all know the saying “You don’t know what you have until you lose it”. That is exactly what I realized. Again, regretting things will not be very useful to me. Instead, I think I will need to live with the PRESENT.

Back to the PRESENT: I have a job that pays off good better compared to practicing nursing in my country. I will not deny it but I need to survive. I chose my writing job over nursing. After 9 months of leaving my real profession, here I am wondering about things. I think I am missing out on a big part of my life. I realized that I can help save people’s lives and make my life more worth it.

Because of that realization, I am more determined than ever. I will be back to the profession that I have come to love. I feel like it’s my calling. I decided to save money for a training. I hope I can pursue this. I know it will not be easy but I will persevere. I promise that in two months I will be back to practicing nursing. I will improve myself and live the life that I ought to be having. I refuse to be locked up in my room writing in solitude (lol, jk). I love writing but nursing is my calling. I need a path and a clear goal. I hope I can do this.

A quick summary of what I am supposed to accomplish for January

New Year, New Resolutions. As I have pointed out from my previous posts, I am daring myself to make braver choices. I think everyone has a room for improvement and it’s never too late to want that for yourself. So, here I am sharing some of the things I am demanding myself to accomplish for January:

• Read more books: I have mentioned here that I joined the GoodReads Reading Challenge. My goal is 100 books for this year. I have just finished only 1. Hopefully, I will not continue my procrastination in reading books.
• Start an online business: I got this idea of selling preloved books on Instagram. Take note, ever since I discovered that there are LOTS of online shops selling books for cheaper prices, I must admit that my obsession for buying books has intensified. From that, I have decided to try my luck in business. I will try to help my fellow bookworms here to find books at more affordable prices. I just really really hope that this plan of mine pushes through.
• Save MORE money:I always sucked at being thrifty. So, one of my most important goals to achieve is this. I have been reading much lately about tips on saving money. I have listed them at my journal and now..I am trying my best to follow them and save for myself.
• Complete a blog challenge: My previous posts were all about the Zero to Hero blog challenge. I know I have missed some of the tasks but I am trying to catch up and do my best to learn as well as explore WordPress.
• Get a new haircut: I am like most girls out there who gets tired of her haircut once in awhile. Again, in my mission to make braver choices, I am going to get a new haircut which would be shorter than I prefer. Okay, I’m seriously getting excited for this. I hope that I’ll be able to find time to do this.
• Hit the GYM: This is one of my new year’s resolution which has not been achieved or been tried to be started EVER. Hopefully, by the end of this month, I will be hitting the gym for a healthier me. This is a promise to myself which I should never break.
• Seriously make an effort to go back to NURSING: This one seems to be the hardest one to accomplish. With the employment rate of nurses here in our country, this is indeed a challenge. However, I will still submit more applications to several hospitals..so I can practice my profession. I am also intending to join trainings to gain more experience before my nursing knowledge and skills begin to fade away in my memories (just kidding).

There it goes. My list of goals for January. I shall post an update at the end of the month about whether I accomplish these or not. I am trying to be positive that I will achieve all of these. I just have to BELIEVE THAT I CAN.