0

Hoping

So, I’ve been long gone and now I’m back again. I know I have been kind of neglecting my blog. There are just thousand reasons why I haven’t posted much lately.

The thing is I finally decided to make my own book blog. I’ve been busy writing reviews and stuff. It’s like my stress reliever next to reading books..blogging about books. Anyway, enough of that..

Back to my life, I can say that I probably been much hopeful of all the things occurring to me right now. It seems that I can finally get back on track when it comes to my career. I’ve been accepted again for a training program. I’m just so grateful to have been given another chance. This time I will make the best out of this opportunity. I will fight for it because I want to friggin achieve my goal. I don’t want to stay lost. I feel as if this is divine intervention. Lol. Okay, I think I sound weird but whatever.

There’s always still a nagging voice in the back of my head telling me to be afraid..to worry..but I know I better not. Why should I be? I really am feeling hopeful. I want to stay like this as much as I can. I’m tired of negativity. I want to see myself as someone who’s better, stronger, braver, and more ambitious. Enough for my wasting of time. I might be still a little lost but I can feel that I am finally finding my way back to where I should really be in.

I’m just really really happy. I know I am saying this because I am just about to start on my journey again in my career. Hopefully, I will not tire of being positive for a long long time. I wish I could keep this optimism. Fate, family, friends, and books definitely helped changing my outlook in life.

2

Taking a break from everything

Here’s the thing, I finally quit from my job. I don’t know what to feel. Relief maybe? First of all, I intended to do it so I can go back to my career. I think I won’t ever stop talking about my career as long as I haven’t figured it out yet. I think I generally feel relief because now I have time to have a break from everything. I’m currently enjoying my free days..and that mostly involve me with a book on hand and drowning myself in fictional worlds wherein I feel better. What can I say..maybe this is a good decision.

 

Just in time with me quitting my work, I received a message from a hospital for another work opportunity. I can’t let myself hope that much yet but I am really really hoping. I can’t help myself from doing so. It’s like some sign that maybe I made the right decision and this is just a start for a new chapter in my life. Hopefully, this will go well. I am wishing so hard that I may be able to find the direction to which my life will be on. I feel helpless and more likely anxious about not figuring things out about my life. I don’t want to be a failure. I want to make be someone..someone who has achieved a lot of things for herself and her loved ones. I don’t just want to be plain. I don’t want to be stuck in a place where there is no improvement. I am afraid to be left behind.

 

Maybe lots of people get where I am coming from. It’s not easy to search and find that place where you will be happy. I think it’s a lifelong process..discovering yourself and your purpose. As dramatic as I am getting right now, well I’m happy that I have some things and people who keep me from going insane.

0

Things crossed off from my bucket list

Okay, so I’m pretty sure that many of us have made their own bucket lists. As for mine, it doesn’t contain many but I’m proud that most of the stuff I put there..I was able to accomplish already. Here are the items in my bucket list:

  1. Save more money.
  2. Get a new hairstyle.
  3. Make a book blog and update it regularly.
  4. Learn new things.
  5. Try to go back to my nursing career.
  6. Live and eat healthier.
  7. Treat family for dinner/lunch/whatever.
  8. Pass exams (IELTS)
  9. Socialize more
  10. Go to freaking gym
  11. Attend a book signing event
  12. Visit places I’ve never been to
  13. Read more books and buy a new bookshelf
  14. Undergo further training for my career
  15. Go to a concert
  16. Watch fireworks show
  17. Go to Manila International Book Fair and Bookstore Warehouse Sale
  18. Have an online business.
  19. Get a signed book.
  20. Buy an e-book reader.
  21. Go outside more often.
  22. Be brave. Take chances.
  23. Fight for my decisions.

I know!! Most of the items in my bucket list are pretty lame. I think I should get more creative eh? Perhaps, go ziplining or diving? I would have to save up for that then. Oh and I gotta work on my socializing, saving money, and getting healthy. I’m pretty proud of myself though for accomplishing some of the things in the list.

 

I’m just sharing. Anybody else who got their own bucket list for 2014? ūüôā

2

What I didn’t regret

You know those moments you think of all the things you did in the past and play it over and over inside your head?

That’s actually a very common scenario to me every night when I get to my bed and reflect on my life. I realized that there’s nothing much that I regret in my life. After all, it’s what I wanted. It was my decision to do that. So, it’s pretty useless for me to regret on stuff. Instead of focusing on regrets, I think I should focus on things I didn’t regret.

I remembered that moment I turned my back on nursing. It was one of the hardest decisions I’ve made in my life. I thought that I was such a coward from not taking that opportunity but I guess it’s good that I did it. Why? Because I realized I’m not yet ready. I know that the world won’t wait for me to get ready but in a job like nurses do..It’s really scary because the patients’ lives are in my hands and I can’t afford to make big mistakes. Yes I was scared and I know that it’s normal. I didn’t choose to face my fear though instead I ran away. Up to this day, I am still thankful though, that I did that. It opened up other opportunities and experiences for me.

Since quitting temporarily from my profession, I decided to pursue my love for writing. I enjoyed my job as a freelance article writer. It worked on me. I was able to do writing for living for 2 years already. I think it brought me lots of lessons. I was actually proud of myself because I was got one of my dream jobs.

For now, I think I am in the crossroads of my life. I don’t know if I should pursue my career but I miss working in the hospital and it’s so hard to get a working experience here in my country. Is it normal that I don’t know what I want to do with my life? I feel like going crazy sometimes. I need some time to find myself (lol).

My point here is that I do not think of my past mistakes as  regrets but rather lessons. I always believe that there are reasons behind the things that happen to our lives. Though the reasons may not still be clear for me, I believe that by that I will be guided on what I should do with my life.

Hopefully, I’ll figure out what I’ll do with my life. It’s totally confusing. ūüėõ

1

When nothing happens like the way you planned it

Most of the time, we feel like control is necessary to make ourselves feel like we have everything on track. The most common thing we do to make sure we can control our lives is ¬†planning. I admit that I am one of those who needs to constantly plan about everything in my life. If I don’t have it, I feel as though everything will be in a mess. Though I have a point in that, I am starting to believe that plans aren’t really that much necessary in some circumstances.

Why do I begin to believe that? Well, like we all know there are things in life that don’t happen the way we plan it or imagine it. I think it would be really wonderful to just get lost for a moment, try to figure out things, and go with the flow. That’s what we live for right? To find why we are here and what will make us happy. I guess that’s it. When things go wrong, there will come a time that things will go right. Gosh. Sometimes I don’t even really know what I am talking about. I could just hope and hope and hope because I know eventually things will go right. I will find my happiness and purpose.

2

I want a life with life

Do you know what they say about living your life to the fullest? I bet you do.

Most of the time, I feel as if I am afraid to come out of my shell and live the life that I am supposed to live. As days, months, and years pass by..I realized how little life is in my life. Don’t get me wrong. I am happy for all the blessings and people who have been in my life. I just crave for more. I want to achieve and accomplish things. I feel that longing inside of me to do something for myself that will make me proud ten or more years from now.

It’s sad that I have turned back from a few opportunities in the past. I tell myself to move on. There are times I feel like I did already but sometimes I can’t help but ponder on what might have been. I guess this is why I get stuck on the past.

I read somewhere about the ways to get what you want. It was about the law of attraction. Though I believe in karma, fate, and stuff like that, I believe in God more. Aside from that, I have always believed that everything happens for a reason.

I always ask myself, “What do I really want in life?”. That question will lead to another..until such time I have so many questions in my head that I feel like already exploding. Is it really wrong to be confused and not know what you want in life? I guess so..it makes me feel hopeless and helpless.

However, at the end of the day, no matter how we question ourselves and what has been happening in our lives, one thing is sure..if we push ourselves to want and get what we desire, we will get it. Of course, it is very important that we act and exert ¬†effort. That is what I need now. I need to act and make effort. I hope it’s going to take me to where I would really want to go.

0

A quick summary of what I am supposed to accomplish for January

New Year, New Resolutions. As I have pointed out from my previous posts, I am daring myself to make braver choices. I think everyone has a room for improvement and it’s never too late to want that for yourself. So, here I am sharing some of the things I am demanding myself to accomplish for January:

  • Read more books: I have mentioned here that I joined the GoodReads Reading Challenge. My goal is 100 books for this year. I have just finished only 1. Hopefully, I will not continue my procrastination in reading books.
  • Start an online business: I got this idea of selling preloved books on Instagram. Take note, ever since I discovered that there are LOTS of online shops selling books for cheaper prices, I must admit that my obsession for buying books has intensified. From that, I have decided to try my luck in business. I will try to help my fellow bookworms here to find books at more affordable prices. I just really really hope that this plan of mine pushes through.
  • Save MORE money:I always sucked at being thrifty. So, one of my most important goals to achieve is this. I have been reading much lately about tips on saving money. I have listed them at my journal and now..I am trying my best to follow them and save for myself.
  • Complete a blog challenge: My previous posts were all about the Zero to Hero blog challenge. I know I have missed some of the tasks but I am trying to catch up and do my best to learn as well as explore WordPress.
  • Get a new haircut: I am like most girls out there who gets tired of her haircut once in awhile. Again, in my mission to make braver choices, I am going to get a new haircut which would be shorter than I prefer. Okay, I’m seriously getting excited for this. I hope that I’ll be able to find time to do this.
  • Hit the GYM: This is one of my new year’s resolution which has not been achieved or been tried to be started EVER. Hopefully, by the end of this month, I will be hitting the gym for a healthier me. This is a promise to myself which I should never break.
  • Seriously make an effort to go back to NURSING: This one seems to be the hardest one to accomplish. With the employment rate of nurses here in our country, this is indeed a challenge. However, I will still submit more applications to several hospitals..so I can practice my profession. I am also intending to join trainings to gain more experience before my nursing knowledge and skills begin to fade away in my memories (just kidding).

There it goes. My list of goals for January. I shall post an update at the end of the month about whether I accomplish these or not. I am trying to be positive that I will achieve all of these. I just have to BELIEVE THAT I CAN.

0

Where do I go from here?

I’m probably one of those people that you will meet that is so undecided with life. I change my mind many times. Sometimes, I worry that it will get me nowhere.

Another year is definitely another time to start over and refocus. It’s usually a time when people set new year’s resolution, a time to change oneself. I ask myself, where do I go from here? Truth is, I really don’t know. I feel like a child lost in the middle of nowhere.

Yes, it gets scary. I just read a blog post about wanting something more than being afraid of it. What I read moved me as an individual who is undecided in a lot of things. That’s my main problem, my fears eat me out. I always think that I cannot do it even if I haven’t tried it yet.

This year, I hope to change that fact. In 2014 I will be braver than I have ever been.

0

So Yesterday

My first post for 2014 is here. Yes, I am sticking to my New Year’s Resolution of blogging everyday (though I know it’s totally useless to have resolutions). Anyway, I am going to push this as much as I can.

Today, I feel like talking about letting go of the past and regrets. It’s so yesterday, just like I always tell myself. There are times in which I remember events that make me cringe internally, wishing that I never did such things, and making me feel embarrassed about why I did those stuff.

What does it really take to move on?

I guess I don’t have the exact formula for that. The closest thing that I could come up with to do that is ACCEPTANCE. Like most people say, letting go and accepting things will help you move on. I think that is true. It works for me. Though there may be those moments when I am reminded of the things I regret, I am trying and trying my best to accept what I did because well it’s over. It’s so yesterday. I can’t do anything to change it anymore. Instead, I should see it as a lesson and never let myself do it anyway.

We are not perfect. We make me mistakes. Nobody does not. I think people should remember this instead of trying to be so perfect. Forgive yourself for your mistakes. Most importantly, love yourself because you were so strong to overcome what you just went through.

Again, Happy New Year Everyone!

1

2013 Wrap up

It’s another year that has finished. Like they say, “Time flies by”. We are again in the point when we reminisce and reflect about the year that has passed.

To be honest, I must say that this year is a roller coaster ride though most of it was on plateau. It’s not like the negative kind of plateau but rather boring. I stayed in my comfort zone and did not do anything to be out of it. The plateau would refer to me choosing the easier way in which I don’t have to make an effort.¬†Actually, I don’t regret anything that I have decided.¬†In fact, I am really happy to have made those decisions. I’ve learned my lessons.

2013 is not an easy year though it’s mostly spent in plateau. In the beginning of the year, I get to practice my career as a nurse. It was such a happy moment for me. I got to learn and do what I was taught in nursing school. I realized that it’s indeed a noble profession to be in. Compassion and dedication are needed to pursue it. I’ve come across different people.. and faced with unexpected experiences. One of which was seeing a patient deteriorating and dying before my eyes. I felt like I had to detach from that moment..to prevent from crying because I need to be strong. It was a bit similar to the movies. In the mid-April, I finished my nursing training. I was successful and yet I felt like I shouldn’t take the opportunity of working in the hospital setting.

Since then, my father and I had some sort of disagreement with regards to my career, a definite down in my roller coaster ride. He said that I should have pursued it. I said I would not be happy working there. In the end, I stood by my decision. I followed my heart. It was a rough decision between practicality and happiness. Until now, I don’t know what to make out of it. Probably, I just chickened out because I was scared of failure. Or probably, there is something behind the turn of events that somehow makes it right.

By June, my grandmother passed away. She was really an angel in my life. She has always stood by my side, my defender in many ways. Like I said before, I’m just happy that my she and my grandfather are now together in heaven, a bit relieved that she didn’t need to feel pain anymore.

In September, I got freelance writing jobs. That’s when I thought that maybe I am meant to be a writer. I’m happy to have discovered this side of me. I have always loved writing because of my love for reading. Anyway, even if I am enjoying the perks of the job, I still miss dealing with patients and helping them. I miss nursing..but I guess it’s really true that you don’t know what you’re missing until it’s gone. I let the opportunity pass and here I am feeling slightly sorry about it but not so sorry about it (lol seriously I have a bad case of ambivalence).

Right now, what can I say..Yes I am thankful for everything that has happened. I’m still figuring this out but eventually things will unfold for me. I’ve pointed out before that I have always believed that all things happen for a reason.

Like I said, my year has been on a plateau but still a roller coaster ride. I remembered a character in John Green’s novel, “The Fault in Our Stars”. It’s Augustus Waters and he said there that he is on a roller coaster that only goes up. I want my life to be like that. A roller coaster that only goes up. A life that is so colorful because I learned to take calculated risks and be brave. That’s what I am going to do in 2014. Take risks, believe in what I can do.. and where fate takes me.